Sunday, July 29, 2012
Hello,
So I am broken as hell right now. Since about age 12 I havent been interested in girls, nor have I looked at men that way. It wasnt until meeting my girlfriend that I felt attracted. I have deduced that I simply am not attracted to anyone, Just my girlfriend. So i never have that problem of looking at other women. Yesterday i was at the beach with her and we were in a pizza place. On the Television was a commercial starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. She explained that she thought he was really cute. I have no idea why, but I was enraged. I read about the feeling and some sites called it Jealousy. I ruled that out, being the logical thinker i am, knowing that he is famous and there is no chance of him interfering nor stopping her from loving me. Even knowing this i am still quite flustered. I figured that due to the fact she has absolutely all of my love and attention and that i still don't have hers just breaks me down. I mean this girl quite literally is the only reason I am alive today. I really have no reason to continue living without looking forward to a life with her.
It also pisses me off knowing that I am angry because my girlfriend is normal. People like me, kids with Autism, have a near unlimited capacity for love and devotion. I mean that we can completely devote ourselves to something with no interest in other things. For most children with Autism this devotion would be pulled to an Object of Interest. For those who have grown, it is people or career subjects. Let me paint a picture of my devotion. My thumb was broken at P.E. Summer school by my own recklessness. Due to my inability to bring forth my needs and such, I didnt visit the hospital. Even though my thumb is incapacitated, I still went to the beach with her. I have this thing where i take pictures of my girlfriend when she isnt looking. She "doesnt like this" and so she will attempt to take my ipod from me. This usually escalates into a wrestling match that usually ends up with me victorious. So this happened a few times which destroyed my thumb and after another Xray (I own the equipment for this) i noticed that the bones have misplaced even more. I never once told her to stop or to calm down because i know it would upset her very slightly. But even that would make me feel terrible.
So if you have read this blog before you know that my life is kind of shitty, Honestly if I didnt have her or someone like her, I wouldnt be trying to live on. I would just waste away because i do not have a goal nor a will to live. The day she decides our relationship has run its course haunts me. I live life day to day trying as hard as i can not to think about the future. And right now i have no idea what to do. Please someone help.
-River
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Hello,
So my hair is all off now, and it has never felt worse. I was contemplating my thoughts about me losing everything. I sat in my bed last night and looked around my room to see if anything was Nostalgic enough to make me think otherwise. I dug through everything and couldnt find anything that could date back more that 2 years or so. There is something i did find that touched me more than it should have.
When i was 13 or 14 my mother had been going through a very strong addiction. She was up and down all the time and it was getting hard to talk to her. She was at a Rehab near my house so I would visit her from time to time. We went every week, Me, my sister and foster mother, but i personally went every Tuesday to see her. Sometimes she would simply reject my visit and sometimes we would have allot of fun. So one time we weren't quite getting along. She had just boughten stuff for me and my sister. Inside this poorly decorated bag were several cheap toys she had gotten us. I used to feel so bad when she would get us these things because i could see the shame in her face. But inside was a cheap necklace with a cross on it. She told me it was for me to keep. We got into some arguments and she ended up throwing the bag out a window. After security brought her to her room, i left.
One could never now such saddness and such grief. Seeing your mother being held by security at a Rehab. It made me tear at the site of my once very pure, loving mom, being handled by large men and restricted to her room. So on my way out of the establishment I saw a bird. This bird is very significant to me because it has been through so much with me. This sounds crazy but this bird has been following me for awhile now. I swear its the same bird every time i see it. I used to think it was a figment of my imagination but today it proved that wrong. The bird had pillaged through the bag my mother and discarded and around the bird's foot was the necklace. It landed on a tree next to me, dropped the necklace and silently flew away. I picked up the necklace and placed it in my pocket.
Last night I found that necklace. It always represented something to me. It always meant allot to me. It was as if it was lifes way of showing me that no matter what i did and what i walked away from, my Mother would always be there for me. I used to wear the necklace out of my pocket like a lanyard but stopped wearing it, as my mom had started to get allot better. Even though I lost it, i knew she was still there. I still wonder about an Afterlife, i always ponder whether existence stops at death or not. And i always end up wishing one thing. I just wish my mother could tell me. I rarely went to my mother for advice, due to the fact i was years ahead of her intellectually. It really makes me feel something when i wish my mother was still here because she was very expendable in my life.
My question to you is this. Have you ever lost someone that had your only connection to childhood? If so then i want you to post a comment. Write a letter to that person asking them one question. Ask as if they were going on a trip and would not be back for a very long time. Here is mine.
Hello Mom,
Life is looking up in the long run, but that run lasts till about 18. I have no clue what to do on my own. I know your busy so i will ask a very simple question. What do i do. Im so lost and have no clue how to deal with life on my own. I have no one to help me and i would give anything for your advice right now.
-Love Your Son
So my hair is all off now, and it has never felt worse. I was contemplating my thoughts about me losing everything. I sat in my bed last night and looked around my room to see if anything was Nostalgic enough to make me think otherwise. I dug through everything and couldnt find anything that could date back more that 2 years or so. There is something i did find that touched me more than it should have.
When i was 13 or 14 my mother had been going through a very strong addiction. She was up and down all the time and it was getting hard to talk to her. She was at a Rehab near my house so I would visit her from time to time. We went every week, Me, my sister and foster mother, but i personally went every Tuesday to see her. Sometimes she would simply reject my visit and sometimes we would have allot of fun. So one time we weren't quite getting along. She had just boughten stuff for me and my sister. Inside this poorly decorated bag were several cheap toys she had gotten us. I used to feel so bad when she would get us these things because i could see the shame in her face. But inside was a cheap necklace with a cross on it. She told me it was for me to keep. We got into some arguments and she ended up throwing the bag out a window. After security brought her to her room, i left.
One could never now such saddness and such grief. Seeing your mother being held by security at a Rehab. It made me tear at the site of my once very pure, loving mom, being handled by large men and restricted to her room. So on my way out of the establishment I saw a bird. This bird is very significant to me because it has been through so much with me. This sounds crazy but this bird has been following me for awhile now. I swear its the same bird every time i see it. I used to think it was a figment of my imagination but today it proved that wrong. The bird had pillaged through the bag my mother and discarded and around the bird's foot was the necklace. It landed on a tree next to me, dropped the necklace and silently flew away. I picked up the necklace and placed it in my pocket.
Last night I found that necklace. It always represented something to me. It always meant allot to me. It was as if it was lifes way of showing me that no matter what i did and what i walked away from, my Mother would always be there for me. I used to wear the necklace out of my pocket like a lanyard but stopped wearing it, as my mom had started to get allot better. Even though I lost it, i knew she was still there. I still wonder about an Afterlife, i always ponder whether existence stops at death or not. And i always end up wishing one thing. I just wish my mother could tell me. I rarely went to my mother for advice, due to the fact i was years ahead of her intellectually. It really makes me feel something when i wish my mother was still here because she was very expendable in my life.
My question to you is this. Have you ever lost someone that had your only connection to childhood? If so then i want you to post a comment. Write a letter to that person asking them one question. Ask as if they were going on a trip and would not be back for a very long time. Here is mine.
Hello Mom,
Life is looking up in the long run, but that run lasts till about 18. I have no clue what to do on my own. I know your busy so i will ask a very simple question. What do i do. Im so lost and have no clue how to deal with life on my own. I have no one to help me and i would give anything for your advice right now.
-Love Your Son
Friday, July 6, 2012
Hello,
Its been quite some time since I've written here, Just been sort of busy with things. I should say "Lazy" its way more accurate. So recently i made plans with my girlfriend for the 4th of July or Independence day, an american holiday celebrating our separation from the British, and we were going to go to the Beach. My foster mom said it would be best if i trim up my hair before i go. I agreed.
Now let me explain something. When i was first "admitted" into foster care, i made a promise to my mom. I told her i was not going to cut my hair until we were finally out of this mess. Now we did et out after awhile but i had become attached to my hair and felt i just shouldnt cut it. Then we went back to care. And out again, then finally back again. Now by this time my hair has been at my nipples, meaning length of course,. I never measured it but i think it was around 10 to 11 inches long. My foster mom fucking cut 5 inches off. FIVE FUCKING INCHES. Now i was ok with a trim to straighten things up down their. But when i got home to see my hair above my shoulders i broke down. I could not believe that because of this fucking bitch, i broke my promise to my now deceased mother. She had just cut off all that i had left from when i was little. How was it that after i had lost everything, everything i had fought for and everything i had tried ever so hard to keep, That this bitch could just cut it all off.
So now i look fucking ridiculous and to preserve my outward appearance, i have to completely cut my hair. I planned on doing so once i went to get my License but this fucking prick just ruined it. I have never been so lost. I know what you may be thinking, like its just hair. Thats what i used to think but i have made it something more. Nobody could possibly understand what i feel inside right now. So tomorrow i am going to cut it all of and i think i am going to style it kind of like Porter Robinson. Or something of that nature.
In other news, lol. I finished my summer English class. Now i start P.E. on monday which is better. So just now (Like 5 minutes ago) my girlfriend put on makeup to try the look out. She sent me a picture and i said i didnt like it. Now i dont understand why but the look of makeup scares me and i dont like it, so to preserve her feelings i just said it looks weird and she now thinks that i called her ugly. She isnt mad at me just a little hurt and i cannot figure out what to say to make her feel better. I keep calling her beautiful but she keeps asking what looks bad about it. I knew this would come up at one point or another but nothing could have possibly prepared me for the extreme pessimism that she is displaying.
I am going to go tend to this issue so i will write later or another time.
-River Clark
Its been quite some time since I've written here, Just been sort of busy with things. I should say "Lazy" its way more accurate. So recently i made plans with my girlfriend for the 4th of July or Independence day, an american holiday celebrating our separation from the British, and we were going to go to the Beach. My foster mom said it would be best if i trim up my hair before i go. I agreed.
Now let me explain something. When i was first "admitted" into foster care, i made a promise to my mom. I told her i was not going to cut my hair until we were finally out of this mess. Now we did et out after awhile but i had become attached to my hair and felt i just shouldnt cut it. Then we went back to care. And out again, then finally back again. Now by this time my hair has been at my nipples, meaning length of course,. I never measured it but i think it was around 10 to 11 inches long. My foster mom fucking cut 5 inches off. FIVE FUCKING INCHES. Now i was ok with a trim to straighten things up down their. But when i got home to see my hair above my shoulders i broke down. I could not believe that because of this fucking bitch, i broke my promise to my now deceased mother. She had just cut off all that i had left from when i was little. How was it that after i had lost everything, everything i had fought for and everything i had tried ever so hard to keep, That this bitch could just cut it all off.
So now i look fucking ridiculous and to preserve my outward appearance, i have to completely cut my hair. I planned on doing so once i went to get my License but this fucking prick just ruined it. I have never been so lost. I know what you may be thinking, like its just hair. Thats what i used to think but i have made it something more. Nobody could possibly understand what i feel inside right now. So tomorrow i am going to cut it all of and i think i am going to style it kind of like Porter Robinson. Or something of that nature.
In other news, lol. I finished my summer English class. Now i start P.E. on monday which is better. So just now (Like 5 minutes ago) my girlfriend put on makeup to try the look out. She sent me a picture and i said i didnt like it. Now i dont understand why but the look of makeup scares me and i dont like it, so to preserve her feelings i just said it looks weird and she now thinks that i called her ugly. She isnt mad at me just a little hurt and i cannot figure out what to say to make her feel better. I keep calling her beautiful but she keeps asking what looks bad about it. I knew this would come up at one point or another but nothing could have possibly prepared me for the extreme pessimism that she is displaying.
I am going to go tend to this issue so i will write later or another time.
-River Clark
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