Hello,
    SO. I just got home from a night with my girlfriend. It was fun and all, but after serious examination of her, I've noticed she is very, very unable to detect others feelings and what not. Its starting to scare me, being that she is already a Junior in high school. I still love her to death, but I fear my love might be a tad on the slow side. I think most of it comes from her parents who keep her so closely bound and well taken care of. She has not had the proper life to prepare her for the upcoming years. It sucks, but maybe I could help her. Idk...

The point of this writing tonight, is to stress 1 thing. Jealousy.

So I'm not sure if I have already written about my jealousy issue. If not here is a brief description:
I cannot stand when any other male talks to my girlfriend, and she responds in a friendly way. It drives me fucking nuts. Even the fact she takes P.E. 1st period, and the subject is "Weight Lifting" with a bunch of other guys makes me fear the loss of her.
Anyway, tonight we went to a pizza place called "Johns Incredible Pizza" and the place contains a Game-Ticket system for entertainment. So, long story short, we messed up with tickets and storing them, so me and my girlfriend had no tickets left. Then after seeing a bracelet she wanted, she said aloud "Man, I wanted that bracelet too". So I reached for my wallet and prepared to simply purchase the jewelry instead of using the ticket system. When this happened, a random piece of shit comes out of nowhere and says "Can I get that one bracelet for her?" and the lady at the counter gives the bracelet. This alone pissed me off to almost an uncontrollable level. Then what pushed me over, was that she looks him in the eyes, smiles, and says "Thank you!" and as he hands her the bracelet, he puts his hand under hers and slowly slides his hand away.
                                                                     This is where I lost it.

I smacked his arm down and asked him "What the fuck do you think you're doing". He said "Bro dont fuck with my game man". No more words were required. I launched a blow right to his right ribs, then one to the right cheek. This put him on the floor and gave enough time for a few employees to handle me. I did not resist and I simply left the establishment. I began to walk home, my girlfriend came to comfort me. What fucking pisses me off, is that when she said "Why did you do that" I said, "He was coming on to you" and instead of explaining that I knew she liked it, I just simply said it was my own fault and that it would never happen again.

         I think I got home without anyone following me. Anyway, I really need help with this Jealousy issue guys... If anyone knows the feeling, and has dealt with it, please contact me. Its getting worse.

Thank you for reading thus far, I have about 134 page views now, and it feels really good.
Email: Yoyomister@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/blatoisthemonarch
Steam: Blastoise[Y0Y0]

My Girlfriend [Review and Bias Comments]

Upon my girlfriends request, I shall be writing an entire report on how I view her. The following is that review.

      Her name: UNDISCLOSED

      Age: 15
      DOB: November 26th 1996
      Height: 5'7/6 (guess)
      Weight: 120 (guess)
      Eye color: Brown
      Hair: Brown/Black
      Nationality: Caucasian. Germanic and Hispanic decent
      

                                   Statistical information through personal observation (Bias)

              So she is a wonderful person who takes joy in art, music, emotion and instant stimulation. Parents are divorced at an unknown date. Still maintains contact with both parents, however, she prefers to stay with her mother. This is due to her fathers "Manic Depression" and slight bipolar personality disorder. Easily able to socialize and finds comfort in ones who she knows for longer periods of time. Known friends of close relation: Roughly 10. Personality is fairly tipped in the generous and loving way, but still has a capacity for anger and sadness. Takes mostly after her mothers traits due to the time spent with her. Still takes from fathers traits more that mothers (Physical/emotional). Shows slight BPD (Bipolar personality disorder) along with short term memory issues. Attention span for irrelevant subjects: Roughly 10 to 15 minutes. Interest attentnion span ranges 3 to 5 years. 

                             The following includes all the "Cons" or downsides of subjects behavior
         Subject shows extreme lack of understanding for foreign emotion. Also shows traces of the lack of speed while thinking. Thought process is average. IQ guess is about 100 or 90. Strives to achieve normality while preaches of eccentrics. Extroverted individual with the capacity for conversation with multiple individuals. Attention studies must be extended due to lack of observation in the subject. Shows traits of non-understanding for the poverty struck. Does not understand in depth studies. Limited vocabulary and grammatical capacity. Overall the main concern for the subject is its understanding for other organisms and their needs/desires. Subject does not realize its own potential or its own positive behavior. "Self conscience", 

                                The following includes most the "Pros" or positive subject behavior.

          Subject has a near unlimited capacity for love. Understand emotion to an extreme extent. Ability to socialize without issue. "Average" individual. Self aware of issues and its abilities. Subject has an extremely attractive personality with traits desirable by most individuals. Does not see reason for being unfaithful. Though seen as a bad thing, the subject has the ability to project its problems and discuss its issues with higher authority. Subject knows and understand its social standing and is content with unchangable aspects. Though the subject has a horrible taste in music, its range of interest in the music industry go far and wide. Though introverted at times, the subject can be extremely extroverted most of the times. Body language tests resulted in the understanding of others physical and sub-conscience communications. Subject understands comedy and is able to project its humor unto others.

The rest of this is going to be from my perspective and is entirely bias.

          So i've been with this girl for quite some time and in my time with her, I have noticed she does not understand how happy she makes me. She does this with many things, but so far I am the only example. She has caused me great ammounts of happiness and has given reason to my life. She has me around her fingers and does not realize it. Of course this article is an attempt to bring it to her attention. She is the most beautiful, and amazing girl I have ever seen and again, she fails to realize this. I love her unconditionally and my guess is that in a few years, she will have gotten over me and until then, I plan to make the best of my time with her.
                I will not post any pictures of her so you will have to take my word for the fact that this woman is the most beautiful and "sexy" woman in the entirety of our universe. Her eyes resemble those of a goddess sent to weaken men with her beauty. Her face is a smooth and supple as can be. She believes herself to be "fat", but I do not see this at all. She has a perfect "10/10" figure and is just all around beautiful. I am trying to make this as tasteful as possible without letting my lust get ahead of me. I cannot find a single detail on this woman to make her "Un-Attractive". Whether it be her tiny feet or her luscious hair, this girl makes people drool. This is no exaggeration. For fun sometimes, I arrange all my photos of her and put on a slideshow just to watch her. She makes me tremble upon a touch. This woman can tame giants with her beauty alone. I wish to learn poetry only to please her with my words. I live to treat her and any less than that will pain me to see. She gave my life a direction to follow and without her I have nothing. Most of you know my situation, so most of you understand that this girl is all I have. I cannot get over her beauty right now... She's just breathtaking. Watching her is an activity in itself for me. Some call me obsessed... I agree, but I feel that I have every right to be obsessed with this magnificent creature. She is the sexiest woman alive and to me, there is no competition. For her, she does not agree with the statements previously made. She has told me she does not think she is sexy and I cannot understand how she doesnt see this. Have you ever seen somebody that you love, and you just wish they could see themselves through your eyes. I've deduced that if she did she herself through my eyes, she would faint at the beauty she portrays.



                       Ill be honest, I have a headache and I am stuck in an overheated apartment while writing this so excuse the minute amount of writing. To her: I love you and I never want you to think you arent beautiful. It took me nearly no time to write this because I meant every word my love<3. All of this came from my genuine love for you<3 I love you<3.

Hello

      How is everyone? I personally am doing fine, or what I call the basic plateau of life. The order of events from birth to now have been in a perfect plateau state and now I am at the top. It took all of the pain and all of the burden to reach this point. This is the standstill in my life. I no longer feel the troubles and the stress from all the events prior. Personally I like this new feeling, it gives me a sense of stability. As to how far the straight edge of my plateau will go, I have no clue. I've always been one to think about the now and what not. I find it difficult when the future is within reach... Its almost like reaching for the surface of the water when under its mass. You feel so close and as your chest tightens, the distance between you and the surface seems to very slowly enclose. You start to feel very close,  almost to the point where you can slow your efforts due to the close proximity of the salvation. This is how I feel and have felt my entire life. I always feel like its all almost over, that it is almost done to the point where I can prepare for the calm and serene lifestyle. No matter how close you get, you're still not entirely there. A man once told me that its not about the destination, but about the journey. This really spoke to me because i've always thought I was aiming twards the end of all this. I now realize that I should start to savor or enjoy the journey to the happiness. Its what I will try to do for now on.


       So in other news, I have been steadily studying the teenage psyche. I've learned many things about the youth and one is helping me allot. So when teens say they want/can do things they arent allowed to do, they start to get very determined to do so. This is a bad thing and a good thing because with the right motive, they can achieve many things. Let me give you a common example in todays world. So smoking is a large issue and many kids do it just to be cool. So when a kid cant muster the courage to do so, he will simply tell people that he smokes. Lets say his reason is that he doesnt know any stoners and he doesnt have access to weed. Once a kid asks him to smoke, he is very determined to start. Now let me show you how this relates to my life. My girlfriend and I havent been alone all summer, its been a montage of her mother, her, and I prancing around town. I am ok with this because I think her mom secretly knows we are dating but is just in some form of denial. Anyway, we had just recently decided to go out with a few of our friends to this Pizza Place and it would just be us and our friends. Now all summer we have been exchanging remarks about how if her mother wasnt there, I would hold her in a certain way, etc. But never had we actually gotten to that point. So once we were alone it caused her to basically attack me with love. I had my doubts about us getting any closer than we were but I was wrong. I would dream of moments where she would hug me and just stay, arms in arms with me. This actually happened now. I am really happy about that.


     Thats all ill write today. School starts tomorrow so I am trying to prepare what supplies I do have in hopes I can excell this year. Due to the coming school year, the amount of posts may decrease as I immerse myself in school work. If so I please ask you frequent readers to continue reading. I will post from time to time, but it will just be at a slower rate. Thank you all for being there for me this summer, while I had no one else to go to. Thank you for reading and look forward to my complaints about school hahaha... Thank you.

                  Ok Hello
                          So let me explain my relationship to you guys, because I honestly have only put in words my love 1 time. So here is how things are with my girlfriend and I. As you know, my life is not very bright and rarely do I find joy in things happening to me. Now it took me about 12 years to meet her and those years were some of my darkest and most depressing years ever. When I met my girlfriend, it was via connection of a friend. She told me that my girlfriend had liked me and at the time, I was not really looking for a partner. Nevertheless I began to text her, by the end of the night my immature self had asked he to be mine. She, of course, had no objection and we began to "date" this lasted quite literally 13 hours before the ridicule from my family was to much to bear and I cut ties with her. She was understanding and said everything was fine. We continued to be friends from then on. Now keep in mind, I still never saw this girl in person, not even talked on the phone. Now because of this, I felt that I could tell her whatever I wanted and remain free of judgment. This friendship lasted literally all of 7th grade and 8th as well. These were the times where I started to get more and more tossed around in the foster care system.

               Being the child I am, I continued this text message friendship in content. Now it wasn't until a few weeks into 7th grade I finally got to see who I had been speaking with. My friend who introduced us had asked if i'd like to meet her after school and I accepted. Now my timidness caused my to simply ignore the arrangement and continue to my step fathers car. Across the street he waited for me and I sped to his car. After putting my saxophone into the trunk of the car, I heard a voice. It was none other than my friend calling me. She was waving to in relation to the canceled meeting no doubt. With her was, to me at least, this absolutely stunning young women. She had waved and pointed at the young lady as I cowardly waved back at them, swiftly entering the car. That day was the beginning of my new life. She had texted me later stating that she missed me after school and my excuse was that I had waited for her with no avail. She accepted and we continued our average friendship. After that day I became a man in shambles. All I wanted was to be with this person I had been texting. That day had given a face to the breathtaking persona I had been talking to over the course of about 3 months. Some people could mark the day I fell in love.

              Day after day I was in the constant battle between my introverted personality and the will to talk to this person. Constantly I would see her throughout school and avoided her at all costs. Days spent simply watching her be herself. I was a watcher, simply viewing this masterpiece of a young girl. I remember specifically that I had studied a form of free running called "Parkour" in an attempt to get better views of her from place to place. I had studied her movements like no other before this. I was hopelessly in love with this person that had no idea. I figured her schedule and continued to follow her around. I completely failed my 8th grade year due to this. Skipping class after class just to see her. Seeing her was all I needed to make it from day to day. This was a terrible cycle that I had going. Finally came the end of 8th grade. This gave me mixed emotions. I wasnt sure whether to be glad, or to be destroyed because this would be an entire summer without her face. I unfortunately did not make the graduating ceremony due to my grades. So I was simply spectating as the 8th graders simulated a graduation. After an entire year of evading this girl, arrangements were made to meet face to face at the ceremony. This was the absolute most nerve racking moment of my life. Just sitting their in the crowed as they called her name made me nervous. I had no clue what I was going to due face to face with her...

             So as the ceremony passed I met up with some friends to congratulate them on their success. Now she hadn't known of my love for her so when the school went for its annual Knott's Berry Farm trip, she had kissed a boy who she decided to date. Now I hadnt had anyone even close to a girlfriend before that. Now due to the nature of my younger self, when she told me of her new guy I simply congratulated her and let her explain her feelings for him. It was hell for me to hear that the girl I had loved so dearly had found someone who had made her as happy as I wished to. So the day we were meant to meet came and she asked me to come say hello to her. Her boyfriend at the time had been my friend so I found him and walked him over there. I walked to her and simply said "Hey". "FINALLY" she replied as I chuckled. She told me she had to leave so I simply nodded. Now the moment that practically killed me was when she had said goodbye. She simply said "Well, bye" and I said "it was lovely meeting you..." and she said "Thank you". Then in one motion, the love of my life broke my heart... As she said farewell to her boyfriend, he leaned over and they kissed. Nothing but a peck. Then they said goodbye and I left. As planned I was to meet with my friend so he could drive me home. Instead I told him he could just stay home. Instead I walked home that day in shame, thinking only 1 thought. That could have been me kissing her. Everything I had done in attempt to get close had failed me. But I am a strong person and showed no anger nor depression in this and continued to text her as her Best Friend. I texted her along the months and we shared our emotions with each other as nothing but friends. I had in a way given up on my love, I had grown to except her feelings and just went day to day wishing things would be different. Summer of my 8th grade year was one of the worst times of my life.

           After being reunited with my mother we moved to house that was ironically behind her fathers house. I did not learn this until way later. My mother had dropped alcohol and picked up drugs. She was slowly falling and eventually lost her grip on us. She had been attempting to ween herself off of the prescription drug Xanex and we were removed from her care. That was when I realized I would never return to the life i'd learn to love. We were moved to my grandmothers house momentarily. That night I used my stepfathers laptop (He was in prison at the time) to script a program allowing me to send messages to mobile phones. The first thing I did was text her. I cant remember what I said but it was something depressing like "Fuck. My. Life." and then, I kid you not, I spent the entire night texting her of my issues and what bad of a position i was in. Despite all the things I had put her through, all the evading and mysterious ways. She stayed up and listened to what I had to say. This was so important to me because I had never opened like this to anyone but her. It was a moment where I had realized that she was absolutely the closest person to me. With my mother in a coma, I had no one to explain things to. And she was there to listen. I cannot express how much I loved her.


          So after being moved around a bit, I arrived at my current housing where i would attend my current highschool. This meant I would be away from her for 4 years. I could not stand that. I tried so hard to travel to her school and after my attitude showed how stressfull the 3 hour bus ride was, my social worker forced me to attend the local school. I was ruined and without contact, she thought i was gone forever. What hurt me the most was her contempt with that. Nonetheless I did everything I could to talk to her. My grandmother let me have a cell phone that could not text so I went to the ends of the earth to find her phone number and finally found it. Then one day, after school I decided to call her. She answered and I explained who I was and then she told me she was wondering what happened to me. Everyday after school I would call her on my way home from school. 3:15 every day. She was amazing in every way. So sympathetic. So after this for about half of freshman year I finally acquired a phone that could text. Everyday i would text her. This relationship was eating at me.

          Finally came around October. We remained friends for all this time and she was my best friend. She saw me as hers as well. Then around Halloween she asked what my plans for the holiday were. I told her nothing as usual. She did not know of my current social life, which was practically non-existant. Then the life changing text was recieved by my phone. She had said this exactly "Well do u want to come over to my house for Halloween:)?" and I was torn. I knew I wanted nothing more to see her again, but I didnt know if i could. I made the decision to accept the offer and she said ok. She could not have understood the monumental stress this put on me. I was going to finally see her after that 2 minute meeting back in 8th grade.  I prepared like no one could imagine. Learning things like how to speak to her parents. How to speak with proper subject matters. After all of the reading and studying, Halloween came along. Days before it she told me her friend was going to come over as well. This eased my stress because it was the friend that had introduced us initially so if there were any awkward silences or drop in subjects, i could turn to her and talk. So came the faithful day. My foster mom prepared to drive me there. Now it is about a 15 minute drive so I had 15 minutes to think of the severity of my actions. I nearly told my foster mom to turn around.

            At last I arrived. I called her and told her so. Before calling her, i simply stared at her house for awhile, still debating whether or not to go through with it. Finally I called and began my journey up the path to her door. There I finally knocked. She answered and the biggest smile went across my face as she invited me in. I opened my arms for a hug and finally, I had her in my arms. This was the beginning of the rest of my life. I will never forget this moment. So after that, we hung out more and more, attending things like her Birthday and what not. So as time passed, we talked more and got closer. Then summer of freshmen year came. We had slowed physical contact, due to an unknown reason on my behalf. I was slowly trying to ween her to me. Then we went to SeaWorld theme park in San Diego California. There my faith in getting with her was restored, due to the obvious affection she had shown me.


           Upon returning to my helpless life, I had realized I had no chance of ever getting over her. So instead of acting like myself and dealing with it, I made the decision to attempt to ask her to be mine. Upon doing so, there came nights were I would express how important she was to me and that I would give ANYTHING to keep her in my life for as long as I could. After countless nights of getting close to telling her how I felt, one night came that again, left me in shambles. I was in the bathtub for the first time in ages, attempting to relieve stress via meditation. After a few hours of this, I began texting her again. Then she sent me the following text "*Snuggles close to you<3*" and I was baffled. Unable to think of a proper response, within minutes time, she replied "Im so sorry that was suppose to be to my bf" and then and there I thought I would quit... I mean, after years of chasing this girl, years of trying everything to gain her love... That was the text I got. Again due to my inability to show discomfort, I laughed and told her it was fine.

            I was absolutely devastated by this. After all this hope and all this effort. I was simply mistaking her emotions. I requested information on this boy and she had told me that they had gone out freshman year and then recently got back together. I gathered information about him and acted as if i knew him. I was utterly broken by the fact that all this time, after all we had been through... She had found it in herself to move on. I was enraged with myself  in the fact that I was saddened that a girl that wasnt even mine was dating someone else... Those few weeks of distrought were the worst... I continued to merge twards explaining my feelings, but at a much slower pace. I began moving to things like telling her how beautiful I thought she was. Then after a few months of this, we got closer and closer as "Friends" when in reality it was a love like relationship. If anyone has ever seen the movie "Batman -The Dark Knight" than you must be familiar with the famous quote of him being a Dark Night. At the time, I replaced my own relationship status with that quote. Heres how I put it:  "...Because he is the boyfriend she deserves, but not the one she needs right now. So she'll tease him, because he can take it. Because he's not her boyfriend... he's her bestfriend, a watchful protector, a Silent Lover..." I thought to myself that I would simply have to wait for her heart to mature.

          And so I did. I simply let her live by her own means and let her try what she felt necessary. I let her date this guy, though i knew it would not last. I never got to far out of her heart though, i continually complimented her and then finally one day things got out of hand. She had been texting me and we were getting really emotional and the fact we dated was brought up and I said "You know, that is my biggest regret..." she asked what was and I told her that breaking up with her was my biggest regret and she was flattered and the conversation moved on. The next morning, she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend. I did not reply because i was furious with myself. I was to wait for her, I was not to interfere with her love life. I broke my own code of emotional conduct and now she broke up with her boyfriend because of it. I told her that I was sad to hear so and she told me it was fine, then I knew that if i didnt get it out now, i probably never would have. So I said it... I told her that I would have asked her out on the spot, but she was because I wished to do it romatically. Believe it or not, this was sort of the beginning of our relationship. She finally knew how I felt.

          I finally told her completely on August 23rd 2011, which I consider our anniversary because I never actually asked her to be my girlfriend. It was the first time time I had told her I loved her and used the word Love. Things finally started to escalate between us and one night, we attended a football game at her school. There we were kind of a couple for the first time, I still hadnt held her hand or kissed her, nor told her I loved her in person. I texted an old friend of mine and she came over to say hello and she asked who my girlfriend was, but like this "Who is this" pointing at my girlfriend. In the most introverted and nervous way I studdered "This is my girlfriend" and we smiled. This is my first relationship milestone. Then after awhile she asked if i'd accompany her at her Homecoming Dance. I agreed and took her, there we kind of just sat around, walked around and talked. Then one of her very drunk friends had walked up to her and started talking to her. She then looked at me and said "Hold hands" and I did. I grabbed her hand and she smiled and at that moment, I was finally happy. After all the bullshit pseudo relationship stuff, I had finally gotten what I wanted.

          Nobody could possibly explain how I feel about my girlfriend. This relationship is currently all that keeps me going. But its more than that, Not only does it keep me going but it makes me crazy. She makes me do things I didnt even know I could do. She has shown me how wonderful life can be. I'm simply overwhelmed by her. In every way. I do not know what I would do without her. There is just something about her that makes me love her. I've deduced that its my emotional connection with her. I could write on and on about how much I love her, but I do not believe that would be enough. So tonight I have a request. I know some of you found this romantic, and I know some of you are adult readers who are married and all. So my request is for you to comment, or email me on how I can propose to her when i'm ready. I know that me thinking we will get that fair is foolish but it hurts to think any differently. So please give me creative proposal techniques.

Thank you deeply for reading. If you are in a similar spot that I was in, I encourage you to keep trying. Do not give up. Do everything you can to get her/him. Thank you for the future responses.

Email: Yoyomister@gmail.com

So Hello my non-existant readers

            Things are at a standstill in my life, or at least for me they are. I am currently done with summer school at my High School and now I am just working on Options For Youth packets with 3 to go until I have finished. Things should be looking up for me but surprisingly i see no hope in any of this. From what I remember, I still need to make up quite a few more credits. I will probably be in night school as a Junior and then summer school again. This means I never got to enjoy a real high school summer. Yet another memory I will not have to grow up with. So in other news, my foster parent has moved to Arkansas to take care of her cancer ridden mother. She left a co-worker/family friend to care for us. We know her and its not a big change but this lady works as an assistant at the Salon our foster mom did. She makes practically minimum wage. As foster children we pay the parents 846$ every month to take care of us and this still isnt enough for her to take care of us. I have never been so deprived, my drug addicted mother could do more for us than this lady can. She is 50 and still doesnt have a license. I am 15 and currently working on getting one. I apologize for the numerous sentences its just been awhile since I've written to you guys. But she is really unfit as a parent and i fear the change in our placement that is inevitably coming. I feel as if i am a very strong being staring out into a hurricane, knowing that even my strength is not enough to deal with this storm coming upon me. If there is anyone out there who would like to donate to a fund made to help me get a car, please make all donations to BuffaloBoy000@aol.com  hahaha. If anyone out there feels the pain i have felt or has over come the pain, please leave a comment or email me at yoyomister@gmail.com.


             So i feel that all i write here is painful things and sorrow, so i have decided to write of the memories i do have and the great times i have had in all my 15 years. Ill start with my family when i was little, it was honestly the best feeling i can remember. The utter safety i felt in my home, the sheer enjoyment in sitting on the couch with my mother and my dog. Dont even get started on that dog, that thing was my one and only way to vent at that age. I remember it like he was still here, his name was Moses and he was the greatest friend a kid could ask for. He was a pure bred black Great Dane and we raised him from 3 months old. I remember the first few months with him. He was small to begin with but damn he sure did grow hahaha. Though most my family found reasons to dislike the dog at times, he was nothing but caring for me. Now i dont have a story where fought off attackers or something but he was always there when i needed him, slowly we weaned him into sleeping in my room and late at night when my mom would be throwing a fit, he would come onto my bed and sleep there with me, as if we were both frightened for the events to come. There is nobody nor anything i could love like i loved that dog, and i will never forgive my mom for making us get rid of him. Though it wasnt her intention, when she was admitted to the hospital 3 years ago, there was nobody to take care of him when she went to rehab. So we gave him to the Gentle Giants shelter in Norco where i never saw him again. I kept my cool through all the previous bullshit but saying goodbye to that dog was the hardest thing i ever did. He was my friend, someone who had helped me through all the bad times and who had made me feel at home where ever i was. I am actually tearing up while i write this which is odd because i dont usually do this. Most people say that you experience the 5 stages of grief when losing a loved one, but all I have seen is the regret, the moments where you would give anything to have one more moment with them, just a hello. I stand by my opinion today in saying that i would give absolutely anything to have that dog back. Being Autistic as I am, i found refuge in the dog and it was what I saw as my friend for 9 damn years of my life. No love on this planet could compare to the bond we shared. I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me, and though this is hard to say in a relationship, i knew it to be true. I remember that, due to my fathers absence, nobody was able to walk him and so every time he saw the door open he would bolt in an attempt to get out. Occasionally he did and we would chase him far and wide, and one time my mom told us to let him go. I couldnt believe her and bolted after him. The do was obviously faster, i was only 10 give me a break, and he was out of my sight in no time. I was torn so i sat in some bushes i found in a secluded area. There i sat in tears for 10 minutes or so before i heard some rustling and wiped my eyes. Out of the brush came my big brown eyed Moses to comfort me. He wasnt running or barking, just walked to my and layed down by my side. This was the moment i knew that when we would seperate, i would be a broken man. And as much as I wished to be wrong, I wasnt. I still cannot find the courage to face that day even in dreams. I have tried to relive moments with him in dreams, but its just to hard. This isnt a plea for attention or anything, But if you happen to live in North Corona and adopted a full Black Great Dane from Gentle Giants named Moses. Please contact me and let me know he is Ok. I know believing he is still out there is childish and a waste of time, but hope is all i have left. Its all any of us have left, after the world has taken everything else from us. To be honest if he is dead and you once had him, just letting me know where he is buried would be much appreciated. I loved him more that I loved myself and I told him I would fix things for him before we parted ways and it haunts me day and night knowing I never followed through.



                                     Thank you for reading
                                                         River Clark

                Hello,
So I am broken as hell right now. Since about age 12 I havent been interested in girls, nor have I looked at men that way. It wasnt until meeting my girlfriend that I felt attracted. I have deduced that I simply am not attracted to anyone, Just my girlfriend. So i never have that problem of looking at other women. Yesterday i was at the beach with her and we were in a pizza place. On the Television was a commercial starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. She explained that she thought he was really cute. I have no idea why, but I was enraged. I read about the feeling and some sites called it Jealousy. I ruled that out, being the logical thinker i am, knowing that he is famous and there is no chance of him interfering nor stopping her from loving me. Even knowing this i am still quite flustered. I figured that due to the fact she has absolutely all of my love and attention and that i still don't have hers just breaks me down. I mean this girl quite literally is the only reason I am alive today. I really have no reason to continue living without looking forward to a life with her. 


     It also pisses me off knowing that I am angry because my girlfriend is normal. People like me, kids with Autism, have a near unlimited capacity for love and devotion. I mean that we can completely devote ourselves to something with no interest in other things. For most children with Autism this devotion would be pulled to an Object of Interest. For those who have grown, it is people or career subjects. Let me paint a picture of my devotion. My thumb was broken at P.E. Summer school by my own recklessness. Due to my inability to bring forth my needs and such, I didnt visit the hospital. Even though my thumb is incapacitated, I still went to the beach with her. I have this thing where i take pictures of my girlfriend when she isnt looking. She "doesnt like this" and so she will attempt to take my ipod from me. This usually escalates into a wrestling match that usually ends up with me victorious. So this happened a few times which  destroyed my thumb and after another Xray (I own the equipment for this) i noticed that the bones have misplaced even more. I never once told her to stop or to calm down because i know it would upset her very slightly. But even that would make me feel terrible. 


    So if you have read this blog before you know that my life is kind of shitty, Honestly if I didnt have her or someone like her, I wouldnt be trying to live on. I would just waste away because i do not have a goal nor a will to live. The day she decides our relationship has run its course haunts me. I live life day to day trying as hard as i can not to think about the future. And right now i have no idea what to do. Please someone help.


                                                     -River 

Hello,
       So my hair is all off now, and it has never felt worse. I was contemplating my thoughts about me losing everything. I sat in my bed last night and looked around my room to see if anything was Nostalgic enough to make me think otherwise. I dug through everything and couldnt find anything that could date back more that 2 years or so. There is something i did find that touched me more than it should have.

        When i was 13 or 14 my mother had been going through a very strong addiction. She was up and down all the time and it was getting hard to talk to her. She was at a Rehab near my house so I would visit her from time to time. We went every week, Me, my sister and foster mother, but i personally went every Tuesday to see her. Sometimes she would simply reject my visit and sometimes we would have allot of fun. So one time we weren't quite getting along. She had just boughten stuff for me and my sister. Inside this poorly decorated bag were several cheap toys she had gotten us. I used to feel so bad when she would get us these things because i could see the shame in her face. But inside was a cheap necklace with a cross on it. She told me it was for me to keep. We got into some arguments and she ended up throwing the bag out a window. After security brought her to her room, i left.

       One could never now such saddness and such grief. Seeing your mother being held by security at a Rehab. It made me tear at the site of my once very pure, loving mom, being handled by large men and restricted to her room. So on my way out of the establishment I saw a bird. This bird is very significant to me because it has been through so much with me. This sounds crazy but this bird has been following me for awhile now. I swear its the same bird every time i see it. I used to think it was a figment of my imagination but today it proved that wrong. The bird had pillaged through the bag my mother and discarded and around the bird's foot was the necklace. It landed on a tree next to me, dropped the necklace and silently flew away. I picked up the necklace and placed it in my pocket.

         Last night I found that necklace. It always represented something to me. It always meant allot to me. It was as if it was lifes way of showing me that no matter what i did and what i walked away from, my Mother would always be there for me. I used to wear the necklace out of my pocket like a lanyard but stopped wearing it, as my mom had started to get allot better. Even though I lost it, i knew she was still there. I still wonder about an Afterlife, i always ponder whether existence stops at death or not. And i always end up wishing one thing. I just wish my mother could tell me. I rarely went to my mother for advice, due to the fact i was years ahead of her intellectually. It really makes me feel something when i wish my mother was still here because she was very expendable in my life.

         My question to you is this. Have you ever lost someone that had your only connection to childhood? If so then i want you to post a comment. Write a letter to that person asking them one question. Ask as if they were going on a trip and would not be back for a very long time. Here is mine.


                  Hello Mom,
                          Life is looking up in the long run, but that run lasts till about 18. I have no clue what to do on my own. I know your busy so i will ask a very simple question. What do i do. Im so lost and have no clue how to deal with life on my own. I have no one to help me and i would give anything for your advice right now.
                 -Love Your Son

Hello,
Its been quite some time since I've written here, Just been sort of busy with things. I should say "Lazy" its way more accurate. So recently i made plans with my girlfriend for the 4th of July or Independence day, an american holiday celebrating our separation from the British, and we were going to go to the Beach. My foster mom said it would be best if i trim up my hair before i go. I agreed.

                  Now let me explain something. When i was first "admitted" into foster care, i made a promise to my mom. I told her i was not going to cut my hair until we were finally out of this mess. Now we did et out after awhile but i had become attached to my hair and felt i just shouldnt cut it. Then we went back to care. And out again, then finally back again. Now by this time my hair has been at my nipples, meaning length of course,. I never measured it but i think it was around 10 to 11 inches long. My foster mom fucking cut 5 inches off. FIVE FUCKING INCHES. Now i was ok with a trim to straighten things up down their. But when i got home to see my hair above my shoulders i broke down. I could not believe that because of this fucking bitch, i broke my promise to my now deceased mother. She had just cut off all that i had left from when i was little. How was it that after i had lost everything, everything i had fought for and everything i had tried ever so hard to keep, That this bitch could just cut it all off.

       So now i look fucking ridiculous and to preserve my outward appearance, i have to completely cut my hair. I planned on doing so once i went to get my License but this fucking prick just ruined it. I have never been so lost. I know what you may be thinking, like its just hair. Thats what i used to think but i have made it something more. Nobody could possibly understand what i feel inside right now. So tomorrow i am going to cut it all of and i think i am going to style it kind of like Porter Robinson. Or something of that nature.

     In other news, lol. I finished my summer English class. Now i start P.E. on monday which is better. So just now (Like 5 minutes ago) my girlfriend put on makeup to try the look out. She sent me a picture and i said i didnt like it. Now i dont understand why but the look of makeup scares me and i dont like it, so to preserve her feelings i just said it looks weird and she now thinks that i called her ugly. She isnt mad at me just a little hurt and i cannot figure out what to say to make her feel better. I keep calling her beautiful but she keeps asking what looks bad about it. I knew this would come up at one point or another but nothing could have possibly prepared me for the extreme pessimism that she is displaying.

                I am going to go tend to this issue so i will write later or another time.
                                                                               -River Clark

Hey Internet,
   So. I have been in summer school for about 3 days now and im going to tell you guys about it. So on the first day I thought the teacher was a reaaaalll bitch and thought my summer would be total hell for 6 weeks. 2nd day she started to tell us more about herself, She was saying that her mother and father are both dead. Her first husband of 19 years, dead. Now married to a disabled veteran. 3rd day, someone brought up the question "Why do you teach?" So she began to explain. She told us that the only reason she had started teaching is because its a steady job with health benefits. She was explaining that without the benefits of a teaching job she would have otherwised perished. Now she has 4 degrees and 3 credentials. She is qualified to teach English, Science and Theoretical Physics. She couldnt find a job anywhere that would supply her with the needs to survive so she had no choice to pick teaching at Jr. High, to me that is just so bad to imagine. This is a women who has everything taken from her, Someone who has no reason to keep going. To this day she still wonders why her life had to take the course it did. Never have i felt pity on someone else. I always figured that i had it really bad and that no one could come close to knowing the feeling of losing everything. This is a women who had felt it. She has no family left. No mother no father. She somehow wakes up everyday and finds a reason to keep living.
   

        I have never met someone who can find the will to keep going. It just puts me in awe, makes me wonder how bad my mindset really is. Do i complain about my life to much? I mean here is a woman who has lost absolutley everything, like i have, and she still doesnt complain. Or maybe she does, maybe she feels the way i do about things. Just maybe we think alike, What if she has a blog that she complains about as i do? What if deep down she wonders why she keeps going. Maybe she is afraid of death just as much as i am. There is a possibility she could be like me. If someone was to ask me to explain my life in one word, i have always thought that word would be "Alone". Even though i dont talk to this teacher at all, i feel not so alone with my issues, Just knowing that someone else out there feels the same way somehow comforts me. I dont know why this happens to people or why we all think alike, but my message to You is: If you relate to the feelings i explain and can see things from my point of view... You're not alone. There are more like us, and we know the pain.
     

                I again apologize for my depressed tone, its just that this is what i made the blog for. I figured writing to an audience would help me cope with all this, Instead of just supressing it like i do. I still feel like i dont need any help, but some would say otherwise. If anyone has a suggestion for me to feel better about things, or advice on how to do better in things. Please leave a comment.
                                  -River

So,
First things first. My life suck, Lol. I have a condition where i cannot handle the heat. To much exposure and i can pass out and die. I dont complain so i dont tell people this so they dont think i am just some pussy who wants shade. I have summer school which would be no problem. If it wasnt P.E.... So i have to skate there. Work out for 4 hours, then skate back. Im not sure how many days i can take before i collapse. The worst part is i have to find out. I have to see how much i can take. I am fucking 15 i shouldnt know my limits. But i do. and i know that this wont last long. I give myself about 4 days tops before i break down and go to the hospital. At that point i might have to give up, On everything. Anyways.
           So i am not like a dream person who thinks they always mean something. But i know they have an impact on ones psychological life. When i have dreams that happen without my control i tend to "Freak Out". I have complete control of my dreams and everything that happens within them. So when i dont control things. I believe i am trying to tell myself something. This dream wasnt as serious but it does weigh heavily on my choices. I had the first Sexual dream about my girlfriend. It was weird. I was having a typical day until suddenly my attention shifted to my phone. She had sent several pictures where she was wearing a flannel shirt that was un-buttoned completely, revealing her Bra. Of course i liked what i saw but i liked it so much that i forcefully took over the dream in order to see more. All that it showed me was that i could not control my sexual mind. Which makes me think that given the circumstances i may not be able to control it in real life. I dont know. It might be nothing.. I hope.


      Today i started to notice how absolutley hopeless my life is right now. But i stay strong. On the outside i am the rock that doesnt move. I went to a tournament on saturday and i didnt compete. They didnt allow spectators so i tried to look like i was just walking around. They saw me wave to my brother and kicked me out. So i sat outside from 12 am to 8 pm doing pretty much nothing but thinking of everything. It makes me terrible hopeless when i think about my past and future. I think we all get a little scared of the future. Its so inevitable that it sends chills down my body. When i actually think that at some point, i have to cease living and die? It makes me shiver. I think of all the things i love so much. And all i can think of is that it all has to end at one point. Happiness is just so hard to find.

          Its fathers day today. My dad is sad because of it. My foster mom yelled at me for not speaking to him. And my sister for not being with him. But he was with his other daughter so she wasnt able to even go. So my sister felt left out and got yelled at. It just feels bad man. If i seem very pessimistic and hopeless its because this is were i come to do that. I come to this site to empty all my issues. No one in the  real world can listen to me. You dear internet fans hold my burden of memory. I read a book called The Giver where a man was appointed to handle all memories and records of the outside world. 1 man to hold all the pain, all the war... He then picks a kid to carry on. But i feel like at this point. I am that man and I must carry all the pain. But what the bad part is, is that i cant pass it on. There is no one that can take this all away from me. At times i feel care free. Like when im with my Girlfriend, the worries just slip away. They dont leave for long though. Once my phone rings, as soon as the first tone is heard... I immediately snap back from the euphoria and begin to feel the pains and the worry.

            Please dont give up on me guys. Everyone else has. At one point i was thinking to myself, and i realized that once my mom died... I had really lost everything. There was nothing that was preserved from my childhood joy. Nothing was left. All went in ashes with my mother. I lost everything, i have nothing but memories of my childhood. It is fading away too. I think deep down, we all wish that we could go back... We all have that thing where we wish we could go back in time and change it. Deep down we are all afraid of the future and i think that inside everyone, is a sliver of true beauty. No matter how much hate and how much anger is portrayed. We always have a little good inside of us. Im watching a couple that has been married for 14 years and both said they hated every minute of it, im watching them dance together to a song on the radio, both in their pajamas. Im not going to lie it makes me feel a little better... As if a bit of hope has been restored. All in all i deeply belve in the human race and think it can prosper given the right circumstances.
                  So goodnight my internets, Oh and for those who visit it, 4chan has given up on itself and has decided to "Die" in a way. This dissapoints me deeply. Well GoodNight. Thank you guys for listening. And again if any part of what i say is unclear please ask me about it and i will clarify to my best ability.
                                 -My Real name is River.

2 in 1 day!? I think so!
    Hello

So recently i tried to repay a debt i owe to my school. I damaged a book and needed to pay about 75$ for it.(I dont talk to my dad outside of text messages) So i asked my dad to help pay for it, he said he could pay it. So i had my sister pick up the money. He gave me a 100$Bill and asked to give the change to my sister. I agreed. My school doesnt except bills over 20$ so i needed the bill changed. I told my sister that idk where to go to do that. She asked my foster mom who then got on my case about why i asked him for the money. She told me its wrong to ask him for money because i dont talk to him. I know you guys dont know that story but he doesnt deserve my love/company. She had said something like "You treat everyone else nice except him, thats wrong" so i replied "If you put it like that, then i can say that he treated everyone else nice except his children" (He was in and out of my life, beat my mom and sister on several occasions etc) I think i outsmarted her so she got mad and stormed out of the room. Then told me not to pay the book and she would go "Talk to the school". So far i looked at several points.

• So one thought was that she felt bad that i didnt ask her for the money. I thought she wouldnt give it to me since i am fault at the damage.
• Second i thought she didnt believe that i had told my dad it was a book
• Third i thought she didnt believe i owed money and was just getting money out of him

                 So that happened and now i am not sure what to do. Every fucking turn something has to go wrong. Its just like, Why cant i have a good life? Why is it me that has to deal with all the crap. I havent been happy (Aside from being with my girlfriend) in almost 8 or 9 years now. I always have shit to deal with. Its starting to get to me. This foster family thing isnt helping. Even strictly recreational activities are fucking up for me. I cant get a break anywhere. And when i decide to put my foot down and give myself a break, oh boy do i get a shitstorm. Today i decided that since my sister was out with my dad i would play her Xbox and what not. I felt i needed to just start doing what i want instead of what others do. She got home and threatened to kill my pet fish because of it. Like seriously what the fuck did i do to deserve this. I just wish to much. I should give up and i should go downhill but i dont. I have every reason to cry and be emotional. But i dont, or is it because i cant. 

                     Deep down i am screaming somewhere. I just need a trustworthy person to let me know that everything gets better at one point. I dont have that person, the last person that was like that to me was a 30 yr old gay man on the internet who my social worker called the cops on for talking to me. I still talk to him from time to time but its just not the same, i know he doesnt trust me. I had a group of really close friends on a game called Wizard101. It compiled of Alex, Esmee, Michelle, and sometimes Chris. These have been the closest people i have ever known. Michelle is pregnant and not playing anymore, I was suspended from the internet for over a year, Alex found a man and started fading away. Esmee still plays and i recently tried to get back into it but i lacked intrest because you have to pay for the rest of the game and i cant. She hasnt been on in over a month and no emails/txt messages from her. I have honestly lost everything guys. I slowly lost every aspect of my life until my mom passed away. At that moment i had realized i lost it all. I knew that there was no going back and that i was doomed to live this hell for the duration of my teenage years.

                        I thought maybe i could get out when i turn 21 and can move out of this place but as i get closer and closer to learning what it takes to live on your own, i start to notice that i think it is honestly impossible for me to do this alone. I figured it takes about 2 full time working people to hold up a simple apartment, or even the most basic of houses. That would mean (considering i can actually keep my girlfriend with my for my life) that me and my girlfriend must both work full time decent paying jobs just to live. That fucking ridiculous. I do want to know how my brother does it. He lives with his grandma and goes to college. He has so much money to just spend on anything, even if he was going to pay for all of his expenses he would still have pocket money. 

                      I dont know if its just going to take awhile for me to start acting like a regular kid and stop worrying, or if i missed that part of childhood. I personally think i did, I think i missed the carefree age. During about age 4 to, well 15 i have been either worrying about where to get money to eat, how to get to school, learning to keep myself clean, etc. Or i was to busy taking care of my family. I did have a few months here and there, when my dad would be there to support us, but that also meant money for alcohol. So my mom would drink and whine about her troubles while i tried to calm my sobbing sister. So now that i finally dont have that happening, i have to worry about what to do to live. Im supposed to be able to come home and just do what ever i want without a worry of the future. Instead all i can do is sit there and worry/plan what to do to pass highschool, when i finally had my plan set i got started on thinking after. luckily i am allowed to stay in care till 21. Then i have to find something to support me. I just wish i could go back, its just unfair. Everyone has the memory of those summer parties and those days of just hanging out with their families. I have some memories like that but not nearly enough. I only remember 1 happy time of each holiday. Thats fucking pathetic

                Well i guess im done for now. Sorry to bother you. Hope you have a good night!

Hello,
     Havent written in awhile. School is almost out. Im not sure what to do. I still need to attend 2 summer school programs. and i will probably get switched to continuation school next year. Every day i tell myself. If i could start again, a million miles away... I would keep myself and i would find a way. I honestly would give up everything i have just to relive my life with the knowledge i have now. So this blo is going to be short, or i might expand it later.

            Noticed i had 10 pageviews. Please talk to me guys, its hard to keep doing this when no one talks back. Its like my life. I just talk into space and hope for reply, when in reality i get nothing. I do so much for everyone and all i get is crap. If you believe in God and all that then i think he is angry with me. I think he is mad that i found out the legitimacy of his actions. I dont really. Has anyone ever had those moments when you just think, Where did i go wrong? I was all set up for success but now i dont think i have a future. Death scares me and i cant think of anything else. I wish i wasnt this smart, People say ignorance is bliss and at this point i think it is. Given the chance to know what truth really is would you do it? Or would you be afraid of what you would see. I didnt get a choice, i was born this way and at some moments its great, whereas other moments i wish for nothing but relief from the truth, I just want to be happy. Dont we all? I would give my whole life in its entirety just for a virtual reality where i can live in happiness. So dear readers, i guess i am done with this for now. Though the feeling is not mutual, i love you guys/girls.
                            -Rated[R]

Hello,
 So today i am attending a weekly Yu-Gi-Oh tournament at a local card shop. I dont think i will enter because it is 5 dollars and i only have 4, of course i could scrape a dollar together but im not sure if im good enough to waste 5 dollars and not win anything. It starts at 12 and it is 11:11 am right now. So if i decide to i think i will be acting on impulse instead of thinking it through.
 
     In other news, my sister is the most annoying human on the face of the planet.... Haha, She really is. She has about a minute worth of attention before she gives up and moves on saying stuff like, "I dont care about what you are saying" Or "Nobody cares what you say". So its really hard to deal with her all the time. If i could move  think i would, but my social worker really thinks that we shouldnt seperate. I think other wise. My life would be literally 96.43%  easier to deal with without her. I dont even know how to fix my problems, All i can do is just sit back and watch it all happen, i wish i wasnt so feeble and timid. I wish i had the courage to stand up and say what i want. My foster mom is very religious and i am not. She believes that an allpowerfull being that controls ever thing, is helping me with my struggles.






            So i left this open all day, i started at like 11 and just got home. Its 10:13 pm. I didnt end up competing today. My brother who did went 4-2. So my cousin went with us today. I havent spoken to my other cousin or my aunt/uncle in about 5 years and didnt plan on it for the rest of my life pretty much. Today my brother asked if we could go hang out at their house for a few mins and i reluctanly agreed. It wasnt AS akward as i thought it would be but it was weird. The tried to act like it was no big deal but it was really weird for me. I dont plan on seeing them any time in the future again. And i apologize to you if my language is fragmental in any way, i am really tired and plan to go to bed soon.

             So i just read that i have 5 viewers total this week, knowing that i have not shared this blog with anyone i know makes me feel good :) So if you guys continue to read leave comments on what you want me to post about. I have a really vast amount of knowledge and intrests and would love to hear your guys's. So i am done for tonight but thanks for reading, it really means allot. (I am totally joking, it has no real emotional meaning to me)

                                                                Thank you,
                                                                            Rated[R]

       Hey Readers (Considering you do exist)
So I recently i wrote about a dream incident with my relationship. I have found peace with this and i shall tell you how. So i at first thought i was falling for another girl, This was brought to me because i had a strong feeling after i had the dream. I have been back at school and have seen the girl in the dream, I did notice an odd emotional attraction to her. But not love. SO when i had confronted my own feelings, i realized that i hardly knew her and that loving her would be absurd. I did know that i enjoyed spending time with her and liked it when she would ask me for help with her Biology work. Then another dream made me finally confirm my feelings. In this dream i was fully conscious  for the entire dream. I often dream lucidly. So i was walking out of my apartment when i noticed her crying on the stairs, I came next to her in the most socially natural way and sat down next to her. She rubbed her eyes and said that i shouldnt have to see her like this. I told her it was nonsense and asked her what was wrong. She had told me a story of how her family was treating her bad. I simply smiled at her and put my arm around her and let her cry on my shoulder. The dream slowly ended with my usual astronomy ending.
(Where everything fades into a galaxy that is small enough to hold in my hands, i am surronded by the cosmos and i ponder the most complex thoughts in my mind)
Then when i was about to walk out of my dream into reality she appeared to me again, this has never happened before. No one ever intrudes into my personal mind, but she did. She told me that i was her only friend, the only one who truly cares about her well being, she said she would never stop loving me but would understand the way i felt about her. Then i awoke
               In this dream i found closure, I now know that all i want from her and other females that are not my girlfriend is Friendship, really strong friendship. Though i know she doesnt feel this way i will never not feel this way about her. So i hope that if this kind of stuff ever happens to you people, think of what i just had, Before you jump to loving conclusions... Keep in mind that being friends is all you need sometimes.
       Well now that, that has been taken care of, I had a fairly teasing week, I keep thinking it is friday. Even today i was terribly misled hahaha. I dont know what i am doing with my life, Honestly i feel like i am running full speed into no where. I have noticed that without a goal for a day, the WHOLE day just feels empty. Thats what has been wrong with this week, No tests, no homework, no specially planned events. It just gets really dull living like that, The worse part is that i cannot set a goal for the day, at least during the week. Like if i want to say that Tomorrow i will treat myself with a nice dinner with my girlfriend. Most people could just do that kind of stuff. Me on the other hand.... Lol i have to coordinate absolutely everything on my own and execute it all alone as well. Being 15 with no drivers permit, or friends with cars... I have to skate EVERYWHERE. So even something as simple as going to a friends house would take too long to pull together. So i live a very dull life.

                                    So goodnight my imaginary readers,
                                                                                    Rated[R]

                                           Ill admit i am a bit of a pokemon fanatic.
This picture includes: MewTwo with Mew(Left) Zoarark and Zoara(Middle) and Lucario with Roilu                                                  
                                                                                                                                                     (Right)

                                                                   Mood=Confused
So i havent posted in a few days because i have been kind of busy with things such as Yu-Gi-Oh and stuff. I had a really crappy kind of week. It was good/bad. I got to hang out with my brother and play Yu-Gi-oh with him and some friends, but also had a really depressing feeling all week. I have had a huge feeling of hopelessness lately. I also had a kind of disturbing dream last night. So here is how it went

                                     I went to the mall for some odd reason. So i love my girlfriend and could not see myself with anyone else. But in this last week ive found her text messages to be kind of annoying which scares me. In this dream i had a group of 3 girls inform me that a girl i know "Maddie" is crying because she likes me but i dont like her. So throughout the dream the girls are telling me to talk to her and make her feel better when i keep saying no. Now im not sure what happened to the 3 girls but twards to the end of this dream i was in a class room with her and she was crying as the 3 informed me and i sat next to her and she had quoted something like this "When you grabbed my hand to get your phone, it was the most amazing feeling i have ever had and it kills me to know that i cant have that all the time" Now what scares me is i replied "I know the feeling" because before my girlfriend and i were together i wished that we would be and told her that when she grabbed MY hand that it was the best feeling ever etc. and wanted her to reply the way i just did. Now thats not even where it really disturbed me. Then when i calmed her down kind of, we started talking about each others issues. Then when it got more personal with the talking, i leaned twards her and put my head on her shoulder and me arm around her waist. Now i have never gotten like that with any other girl besides my girlfriend. Now this morning i woke up and i missed the feeling of holding Maddie in my arms which scared me.
                                      Also, the REALLY bad part is that it i know a Maddie in real life and it is her in the dream. I dont really like this girl but i do know her quite well. We have a joke/game where i try to take a picture of her without her noticing everyday during 6th period. Then before the period ends, i show her the various shots of her. 
      I'm not sure what this all means, but i hope i just psychologically replaced my girlfriend with Maddie. I've also thought that i can psychologically choose who i love, what i love, what i enjoy and i can change that when ever i'd like. SO i was beginning to think that its not that i "love" my girlfriend, she just happens to be the closest female to me and because i can choose who i love, i chose her because it works. If i would to leave her then i honestly think that i would stay alone for a long time. Like i mean like 20 to 30 years, because i dont know anybody as well as i know her. Im just not sure right now. About anything.
 
      So i have terrible grades. And i was in danger of attending a continuation school next year, but instead my counselor has recommended i go to a credit recovery school called Options for Youth during the summer ALONG with summer school at my high school. This litterally means that i dont get off school for summer this year. This only gives me 3 days off, being a friday, saturday, and sunday, so i get 1 week day off ALL summer. Im having one of those FUCK MY LIFE moments right now to be honest. I dont even know what im going to do after high school.
                              Anyway im done for now.
                              I love you if you are reading this.
                                                                      -Rated[R]

As promised here if your

funny of the day.

Enjoy

Hello People.
So my foster mom came home today so things are back to "normal". I havent cut my thumb nails in awhile and their getting quite long.
   In other news, i was talking to my girlfriend today and she told me that she had the following conversation with her mother:
Her- Hey mom, what do you think my future husband will be like?
Her Mother- Well, he'll be a nice, brown hair, tall... And allot like (she said my name) to be honest
Her- *Giggle*
    That made me feel really good actually. Since she doesnt know we are currently dating, it kind of encouraged me to keep trying. On a serious note, since my mom is gone, i live in a foster home, and my sister isnt to fond of me... I hardly ever get compliments from anyone but my girlfriend, so it felt good to hear that.
    I am usually a positive person. But lately i havent been very positive. On the inside at least. See i never show any sign of bad emotion around, well, anyone actually. Not even people on the internet. To my friends and family, i am never sad or mad, but of course i do have feelings. Recently i have ben finding it hard to do stuff. I think its because i dont hang out with people or have enough fun. My girlfriend lives in a different city, Close enough to see each other but far enough for me not to see her everyday. So i think its honestly because, since she is my only friend kind of, i dont see her as much as i would like to. We have been together for 8 months i think, and i think its all because we live far apart. I think if i saw her everyday that it wouldnt be as amazing when i did see her.
         Well dear internet, this is about all i am going to do today.
Also if anyone who knows what PlasmaCam CNC metal fabrication systems are, i would like to know if anyone knows how to get it for free. I want to practice at home because we have one in my metal shop and i never get to use it. The software is like 2k$ so i obviously cant buy it. So internet friends lemme know.
                                                                                      -Rated[R]

Another picture unrelated

I really like this one.

Laughing as i type.

Hello Again,
So today was lame. I woke up at like 12. Well i really woke up at like 9 but my baby sitter was getting ready and i didnt want to talk to her so i pretended to sleep till she left. Then my sister just talked on the phone for the entire day while i sat around and played video games. My freeloading friend Mike came over today, He can drive so we went to the local card shop to buy a few booster packs (Yu-Gi-Oh). Then with no exaggeration we had been playing video games like Burnout 3 and COD MW3 since about 3 till 8, he just left about an hour ago. He also drank all my orange juice that i was supposed to save for school this week. So now i am writing this (Obviously). So my girlfriend Gabby has been texting me and i hardly replied at all today. I feel really bad about not texting back but its like... Fuck she text's me like every 10 minutes. How am i supposed to reply to messages like "Yeah(: <3333333". Im not sure what im supposed to say after that.

   Today was the biggest failure sunday i have ever had. So I decided to post a picture along with this post to make you guys laugh. Well, i shall attempt to make you laugh.
    Also i dont think i mentioned that Friday i went to an Astronomy lecture at Harvey Mudd college in Claremont. There was a professor from UCR (Riverside) talking about Gamma rays. Im sure i mentioned that i find the people around me VERY stupid, I thought that going to this lecture would give me relief from the stupid people around me. But i was wrong. This guy talked about Gamma ray radiation for maybe.... 20 minutes. Then he showed us pictures of him and his crew launching a sattelite via  Whether balloon. So that really made me wonder what has become of the human race?
Any way the attached picture made me crack up when i saw it. So i hope it does the same for you

                                                                             -Rated[R]

So, I just made this Blog and I made it to vent everything that happens to me.
I may or may not update daily, it all depends on whether or not i decide to log onto my computer.
So,
     Today I had the house mostly to myself. Well only for a few hours though. My foster mom has left for Arkansas for awhile while her co-worker baby-sits us. So some backround info. I am a 15 year old boy who is in Foster care. I have been in foster care for about 2 years now and was previously in it for 3 years about 5 years ago... Not sure if that makes sense hahaha. But my mom originally lost us due to a druken mistake. Then after gaining custody she got into drugs such as oxy-codon and Xanex. She just passed away December 24th 2012, get this, We were only 2 days away from our last court date before she overdosed. 2 Freakin days hahaha. Well anyway, Its been about 4 and a half months since then. I am currently enrolled at Upland High school and i am in my sophmore year. My grades are making me switch to Hillside continuation school next year. Dont judge though because i am VERY intelligent if i might say so myself. I also have Aspergers syndrome (A social developmental form of Autism) and I find mostly all the people around me very idiotic. I mean like EVERYONE. Its hard to find smart people these days.
Anyway... Back to how my day went. So i woke up around 9 today and started my day by listening to some music and watching television. My sister woke up around 11 then went to hang out with my Dad around 1. I dont speak to my father so i didnt go. So i love being alone, so today was pretty good. Then around 4:30 my "Baby-sitter", Crystal, came home. She is black and she annoys the living shit out of me. So i delt with her until about 5 when my sister calls me to go walk her home because my dad had got into a fight with her. We rode our longboards home when she fell of, (it was downhill) she scraped her knee. She is 14 and i will call her Clock for this blog. So you guys can refer to me as Rated[R] or Kharma. Those are my stage names for Gloving and Dj'ing which i do often. So she scraped her knee and started to cry, so i had wrapped my shirt around it so she could make it home, it wasnt far, so i lost a plain white tank top today. Then we came home and just kind of sat around. She has an Xbox360 that she does not let me play so i tend to get very bored. She has been playing COD MW3 for the past like 4 hours. I have been playing Wizard101 and minecraft all day. And i got to be honest i feel like shit from just sitting around all day.
 
   I was going to work out today but i never found the drive to do it. I know that this blog isnt popular and nobody will probably read it but it helps me vent. So if you are reading this i thank you for taking the time to.
      -Rated[R]