Mood=Confused
So i havent posted in a few days because i have been kind of busy with things such as Yu-Gi-Oh and stuff. I had a really crappy kind of week. It was good/bad. I got to hang out with my brother and play Yu-Gi-oh with him and some friends, but also had a really depressing feeling all week. I have had a huge feeling of hopelessness lately. I also had a kind of disturbing dream last night. So here is how it went

                                     I went to the mall for some odd reason. So i love my girlfriend and could not see myself with anyone else. But in this last week ive found her text messages to be kind of annoying which scares me. In this dream i had a group of 3 girls inform me that a girl i know "Maddie" is crying because she likes me but i dont like her. So throughout the dream the girls are telling me to talk to her and make her feel better when i keep saying no. Now im not sure what happened to the 3 girls but twards to the end of this dream i was in a class room with her and she was crying as the 3 informed me and i sat next to her and she had quoted something like this "When you grabbed my hand to get your phone, it was the most amazing feeling i have ever had and it kills me to know that i cant have that all the time" Now what scares me is i replied "I know the feeling" because before my girlfriend and i were together i wished that we would be and told her that when she grabbed MY hand that it was the best feeling ever etc. and wanted her to reply the way i just did. Now thats not even where it really disturbed me. Then when i calmed her down kind of, we started talking about each others issues. Then when it got more personal with the talking, i leaned twards her and put my head on her shoulder and me arm around her waist. Now i have never gotten like that with any other girl besides my girlfriend. Now this morning i woke up and i missed the feeling of holding Maddie in my arms which scared me.
                                      Also, the REALLY bad part is that it i know a Maddie in real life and it is her in the dream. I dont really like this girl but i do know her quite well. We have a joke/game where i try to take a picture of her without her noticing everyday during 6th period. Then before the period ends, i show her the various shots of her. 
      I'm not sure what this all means, but i hope i just psychologically replaced my girlfriend with Maddie. I've also thought that i can psychologically choose who i love, what i love, what i enjoy and i can change that when ever i'd like. SO i was beginning to think that its not that i "love" my girlfriend, she just happens to be the closest female to me and because i can choose who i love, i chose her because it works. If i would to leave her then i honestly think that i would stay alone for a long time. Like i mean like 20 to 30 years, because i dont know anybody as well as i know her. Im just not sure right now. About anything.
 
      So i have terrible grades. And i was in danger of attending a continuation school next year, but instead my counselor has recommended i go to a credit recovery school called Options for Youth during the summer ALONG with summer school at my high school. This litterally means that i dont get off school for summer this year. This only gives me 3 days off, being a friday, saturday, and sunday, so i get 1 week day off ALL summer. Im having one of those FUCK MY LIFE moments right now to be honest. I dont even know what im going to do after high school.
                              Anyway im done for now.
                              I love you if you are reading this.
                                                                      -Rated[R]

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