Hello

      How is everyone? I personally am doing fine, or what I call the basic plateau of life. The order of events from birth to now have been in a perfect plateau state and now I am at the top. It took all of the pain and all of the burden to reach this point. This is the standstill in my life. I no longer feel the troubles and the stress from all the events prior. Personally I like this new feeling, it gives me a sense of stability. As to how far the straight edge of my plateau will go, I have no clue. I've always been one to think about the now and what not. I find it difficult when the future is within reach... Its almost like reaching for the surface of the water when under its mass. You feel so close and as your chest tightens, the distance between you and the surface seems to very slowly enclose. You start to feel very close,  almost to the point where you can slow your efforts due to the close proximity of the salvation. This is how I feel and have felt my entire life. I always feel like its all almost over, that it is almost done to the point where I can prepare for the calm and serene lifestyle. No matter how close you get, you're still not entirely there. A man once told me that its not about the destination, but about the journey. This really spoke to me because i've always thought I was aiming twards the end of all this. I now realize that I should start to savor or enjoy the journey to the happiness. Its what I will try to do for now on.


       So in other news, I have been steadily studying the teenage psyche. I've learned many things about the youth and one is helping me allot. So when teens say they want/can do things they arent allowed to do, they start to get very determined to do so. This is a bad thing and a good thing because with the right motive, they can achieve many things. Let me give you a common example in todays world. So smoking is a large issue and many kids do it just to be cool. So when a kid cant muster the courage to do so, he will simply tell people that he smokes. Lets say his reason is that he doesnt know any stoners and he doesnt have access to weed. Once a kid asks him to smoke, he is very determined to start. Now let me show you how this relates to my life. My girlfriend and I havent been alone all summer, its been a montage of her mother, her, and I prancing around town. I am ok with this because I think her mom secretly knows we are dating but is just in some form of denial. Anyway, we had just recently decided to go out with a few of our friends to this Pizza Place and it would just be us and our friends. Now all summer we have been exchanging remarks about how if her mother wasnt there, I would hold her in a certain way, etc. But never had we actually gotten to that point. So once we were alone it caused her to basically attack me with love. I had my doubts about us getting any closer than we were but I was wrong. I would dream of moments where she would hug me and just stay, arms in arms with me. This actually happened now. I am really happy about that.


     Thats all ill write today. School starts tomorrow so I am trying to prepare what supplies I do have in hopes I can excell this year. Due to the coming school year, the amount of posts may decrease as I immerse myself in school work. If so I please ask you frequent readers to continue reading. I will post from time to time, but it will just be at a slower rate. Thank you all for being there for me this summer, while I had no one else to go to. Thank you for reading and look forward to my complaints about school hahaha... Thank you.

                  Ok Hello
                          So let me explain my relationship to you guys, because I honestly have only put in words my love 1 time. So here is how things are with my girlfriend and I. As you know, my life is not very bright and rarely do I find joy in things happening to me. Now it took me about 12 years to meet her and those years were some of my darkest and most depressing years ever. When I met my girlfriend, it was via connection of a friend. She told me that my girlfriend had liked me and at the time, I was not really looking for a partner. Nevertheless I began to text her, by the end of the night my immature self had asked he to be mine. She, of course, had no objection and we began to "date" this lasted quite literally 13 hours before the ridicule from my family was to much to bear and I cut ties with her. She was understanding and said everything was fine. We continued to be friends from then on. Now keep in mind, I still never saw this girl in person, not even talked on the phone. Now because of this, I felt that I could tell her whatever I wanted and remain free of judgment. This friendship lasted literally all of 7th grade and 8th as well. These were the times where I started to get more and more tossed around in the foster care system.

               Being the child I am, I continued this text message friendship in content. Now it wasn't until a few weeks into 7th grade I finally got to see who I had been speaking with. My friend who introduced us had asked if i'd like to meet her after school and I accepted. Now my timidness caused my to simply ignore the arrangement and continue to my step fathers car. Across the street he waited for me and I sped to his car. After putting my saxophone into the trunk of the car, I heard a voice. It was none other than my friend calling me. She was waving to in relation to the canceled meeting no doubt. With her was, to me at least, this absolutely stunning young women. She had waved and pointed at the young lady as I cowardly waved back at them, swiftly entering the car. That day was the beginning of my new life. She had texted me later stating that she missed me after school and my excuse was that I had waited for her with no avail. She accepted and we continued our average friendship. After that day I became a man in shambles. All I wanted was to be with this person I had been texting. That day had given a face to the breathtaking persona I had been talking to over the course of about 3 months. Some people could mark the day I fell in love.

              Day after day I was in the constant battle between my introverted personality and the will to talk to this person. Constantly I would see her throughout school and avoided her at all costs. Days spent simply watching her be herself. I was a watcher, simply viewing this masterpiece of a young girl. I remember specifically that I had studied a form of free running called "Parkour" in an attempt to get better views of her from place to place. I had studied her movements like no other before this. I was hopelessly in love with this person that had no idea. I figured her schedule and continued to follow her around. I completely failed my 8th grade year due to this. Skipping class after class just to see her. Seeing her was all I needed to make it from day to day. This was a terrible cycle that I had going. Finally came the end of 8th grade. This gave me mixed emotions. I wasnt sure whether to be glad, or to be destroyed because this would be an entire summer without her face. I unfortunately did not make the graduating ceremony due to my grades. So I was simply spectating as the 8th graders simulated a graduation. After an entire year of evading this girl, arrangements were made to meet face to face at the ceremony. This was the absolute most nerve racking moment of my life. Just sitting their in the crowed as they called her name made me nervous. I had no clue what I was going to due face to face with her...

             So as the ceremony passed I met up with some friends to congratulate them on their success. Now she hadn't known of my love for her so when the school went for its annual Knott's Berry Farm trip, she had kissed a boy who she decided to date. Now I hadnt had anyone even close to a girlfriend before that. Now due to the nature of my younger self, when she told me of her new guy I simply congratulated her and let her explain her feelings for him. It was hell for me to hear that the girl I had loved so dearly had found someone who had made her as happy as I wished to. So the day we were meant to meet came and she asked me to come say hello to her. Her boyfriend at the time had been my friend so I found him and walked him over there. I walked to her and simply said "Hey". "FINALLY" she replied as I chuckled. She told me she had to leave so I simply nodded. Now the moment that practically killed me was when she had said goodbye. She simply said "Well, bye" and I said "it was lovely meeting you..." and she said "Thank you". Then in one motion, the love of my life broke my heart... As she said farewell to her boyfriend, he leaned over and they kissed. Nothing but a peck. Then they said goodbye and I left. As planned I was to meet with my friend so he could drive me home. Instead I told him he could just stay home. Instead I walked home that day in shame, thinking only 1 thought. That could have been me kissing her. Everything I had done in attempt to get close had failed me. But I am a strong person and showed no anger nor depression in this and continued to text her as her Best Friend. I texted her along the months and we shared our emotions with each other as nothing but friends. I had in a way given up on my love, I had grown to except her feelings and just went day to day wishing things would be different. Summer of my 8th grade year was one of the worst times of my life.

           After being reunited with my mother we moved to house that was ironically behind her fathers house. I did not learn this until way later. My mother had dropped alcohol and picked up drugs. She was slowly falling and eventually lost her grip on us. She had been attempting to ween herself off of the prescription drug Xanex and we were removed from her care. That was when I realized I would never return to the life i'd learn to love. We were moved to my grandmothers house momentarily. That night I used my stepfathers laptop (He was in prison at the time) to script a program allowing me to send messages to mobile phones. The first thing I did was text her. I cant remember what I said but it was something depressing like "Fuck. My. Life." and then, I kid you not, I spent the entire night texting her of my issues and what bad of a position i was in. Despite all the things I had put her through, all the evading and mysterious ways. She stayed up and listened to what I had to say. This was so important to me because I had never opened like this to anyone but her. It was a moment where I had realized that she was absolutely the closest person to me. With my mother in a coma, I had no one to explain things to. And she was there to listen. I cannot express how much I loved her.


          So after being moved around a bit, I arrived at my current housing where i would attend my current highschool. This meant I would be away from her for 4 years. I could not stand that. I tried so hard to travel to her school and after my attitude showed how stressfull the 3 hour bus ride was, my social worker forced me to attend the local school. I was ruined and without contact, she thought i was gone forever. What hurt me the most was her contempt with that. Nonetheless I did everything I could to talk to her. My grandmother let me have a cell phone that could not text so I went to the ends of the earth to find her phone number and finally found it. Then one day, after school I decided to call her. She answered and I explained who I was and then she told me she was wondering what happened to me. Everyday after school I would call her on my way home from school. 3:15 every day. She was amazing in every way. So sympathetic. So after this for about half of freshman year I finally acquired a phone that could text. Everyday i would text her. This relationship was eating at me.

          Finally came around October. We remained friends for all this time and she was my best friend. She saw me as hers as well. Then around Halloween she asked what my plans for the holiday were. I told her nothing as usual. She did not know of my current social life, which was practically non-existant. Then the life changing text was recieved by my phone. She had said this exactly "Well do u want to come over to my house for Halloween:)?" and I was torn. I knew I wanted nothing more to see her again, but I didnt know if i could. I made the decision to accept the offer and she said ok. She could not have understood the monumental stress this put on me. I was going to finally see her after that 2 minute meeting back in 8th grade.  I prepared like no one could imagine. Learning things like how to speak to her parents. How to speak with proper subject matters. After all of the reading and studying, Halloween came along. Days before it she told me her friend was going to come over as well. This eased my stress because it was the friend that had introduced us initially so if there were any awkward silences or drop in subjects, i could turn to her and talk. So came the faithful day. My foster mom prepared to drive me there. Now it is about a 15 minute drive so I had 15 minutes to think of the severity of my actions. I nearly told my foster mom to turn around.

            At last I arrived. I called her and told her so. Before calling her, i simply stared at her house for awhile, still debating whether or not to go through with it. Finally I called and began my journey up the path to her door. There I finally knocked. She answered and the biggest smile went across my face as she invited me in. I opened my arms for a hug and finally, I had her in my arms. This was the beginning of the rest of my life. I will never forget this moment. So after that, we hung out more and more, attending things like her Birthday and what not. So as time passed, we talked more and got closer. Then summer of freshmen year came. We had slowed physical contact, due to an unknown reason on my behalf. I was slowly trying to ween her to me. Then we went to SeaWorld theme park in San Diego California. There my faith in getting with her was restored, due to the obvious affection she had shown me.


           Upon returning to my helpless life, I had realized I had no chance of ever getting over her. So instead of acting like myself and dealing with it, I made the decision to attempt to ask her to be mine. Upon doing so, there came nights were I would express how important she was to me and that I would give ANYTHING to keep her in my life for as long as I could. After countless nights of getting close to telling her how I felt, one night came that again, left me in shambles. I was in the bathtub for the first time in ages, attempting to relieve stress via meditation. After a few hours of this, I began texting her again. Then she sent me the following text "*Snuggles close to you<3*" and I was baffled. Unable to think of a proper response, within minutes time, she replied "Im so sorry that was suppose to be to my bf" and then and there I thought I would quit... I mean, after years of chasing this girl, years of trying everything to gain her love... That was the text I got. Again due to my inability to show discomfort, I laughed and told her it was fine.

            I was absolutely devastated by this. After all this hope and all this effort. I was simply mistaking her emotions. I requested information on this boy and she had told me that they had gone out freshman year and then recently got back together. I gathered information about him and acted as if i knew him. I was utterly broken by the fact that all this time, after all we had been through... She had found it in herself to move on. I was enraged with myself  in the fact that I was saddened that a girl that wasnt even mine was dating someone else... Those few weeks of distrought were the worst... I continued to merge twards explaining my feelings, but at a much slower pace. I began moving to things like telling her how beautiful I thought she was. Then after a few months of this, we got closer and closer as "Friends" when in reality it was a love like relationship. If anyone has ever seen the movie "Batman -The Dark Knight" than you must be familiar with the famous quote of him being a Dark Night. At the time, I replaced my own relationship status with that quote. Heres how I put it:  "...Because he is the boyfriend she deserves, but not the one she needs right now. So she'll tease him, because he can take it. Because he's not her boyfriend... he's her bestfriend, a watchful protector, a Silent Lover..." I thought to myself that I would simply have to wait for her heart to mature.

          And so I did. I simply let her live by her own means and let her try what she felt necessary. I let her date this guy, though i knew it would not last. I never got to far out of her heart though, i continually complimented her and then finally one day things got out of hand. She had been texting me and we were getting really emotional and the fact we dated was brought up and I said "You know, that is my biggest regret..." she asked what was and I told her that breaking up with her was my biggest regret and she was flattered and the conversation moved on. The next morning, she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend. I did not reply because i was furious with myself. I was to wait for her, I was not to interfere with her love life. I broke my own code of emotional conduct and now she broke up with her boyfriend because of it. I told her that I was sad to hear so and she told me it was fine, then I knew that if i didnt get it out now, i probably never would have. So I said it... I told her that I would have asked her out on the spot, but she was because I wished to do it romatically. Believe it or not, this was sort of the beginning of our relationship. She finally knew how I felt.

          I finally told her completely on August 23rd 2011, which I consider our anniversary because I never actually asked her to be my girlfriend. It was the first time time I had told her I loved her and used the word Love. Things finally started to escalate between us and one night, we attended a football game at her school. There we were kind of a couple for the first time, I still hadnt held her hand or kissed her, nor told her I loved her in person. I texted an old friend of mine and she came over to say hello and she asked who my girlfriend was, but like this "Who is this" pointing at my girlfriend. In the most introverted and nervous way I studdered "This is my girlfriend" and we smiled. This is my first relationship milestone. Then after awhile she asked if i'd accompany her at her Homecoming Dance. I agreed and took her, there we kind of just sat around, walked around and talked. Then one of her very drunk friends had walked up to her and started talking to her. She then looked at me and said "Hold hands" and I did. I grabbed her hand and she smiled and at that moment, I was finally happy. After all the bullshit pseudo relationship stuff, I had finally gotten what I wanted.

          Nobody could possibly explain how I feel about my girlfriend. This relationship is currently all that keeps me going. But its more than that, Not only does it keep me going but it makes me crazy. She makes me do things I didnt even know I could do. She has shown me how wonderful life can be. I'm simply overwhelmed by her. In every way. I do not know what I would do without her. There is just something about her that makes me love her. I've deduced that its my emotional connection with her. I could write on and on about how much I love her, but I do not believe that would be enough. So tonight I have a request. I know some of you found this romantic, and I know some of you are adult readers who are married and all. So my request is for you to comment, or email me on how I can propose to her when i'm ready. I know that me thinking we will get that fair is foolish but it hurts to think any differently. So please give me creative proposal techniques.

Thank you deeply for reading. If you are in a similar spot that I was in, I encourage you to keep trying. Do not give up. Do everything you can to get her/him. Thank you for the future responses.

Email: Yoyomister@gmail.com

So Hello my non-existant readers

            Things are at a standstill in my life, or at least for me they are. I am currently done with summer school at my High School and now I am just working on Options For Youth packets with 3 to go until I have finished. Things should be looking up for me but surprisingly i see no hope in any of this. From what I remember, I still need to make up quite a few more credits. I will probably be in night school as a Junior and then summer school again. This means I never got to enjoy a real high school summer. Yet another memory I will not have to grow up with. So in other news, my foster parent has moved to Arkansas to take care of her cancer ridden mother. She left a co-worker/family friend to care for us. We know her and its not a big change but this lady works as an assistant at the Salon our foster mom did. She makes practically minimum wage. As foster children we pay the parents 846$ every month to take care of us and this still isnt enough for her to take care of us. I have never been so deprived, my drug addicted mother could do more for us than this lady can. She is 50 and still doesnt have a license. I am 15 and currently working on getting one. I apologize for the numerous sentences its just been awhile since I've written to you guys. But she is really unfit as a parent and i fear the change in our placement that is inevitably coming. I feel as if i am a very strong being staring out into a hurricane, knowing that even my strength is not enough to deal with this storm coming upon me. If there is anyone out there who would like to donate to a fund made to help me get a car, please make all donations to BuffaloBoy000@aol.com  hahaha. If anyone out there feels the pain i have felt or has over come the pain, please leave a comment or email me at yoyomister@gmail.com.


             So i feel that all i write here is painful things and sorrow, so i have decided to write of the memories i do have and the great times i have had in all my 15 years. Ill start with my family when i was little, it was honestly the best feeling i can remember. The utter safety i felt in my home, the sheer enjoyment in sitting on the couch with my mother and my dog. Dont even get started on that dog, that thing was my one and only way to vent at that age. I remember it like he was still here, his name was Moses and he was the greatest friend a kid could ask for. He was a pure bred black Great Dane and we raised him from 3 months old. I remember the first few months with him. He was small to begin with but damn he sure did grow hahaha. Though most my family found reasons to dislike the dog at times, he was nothing but caring for me. Now i dont have a story where fought off attackers or something but he was always there when i needed him, slowly we weaned him into sleeping in my room and late at night when my mom would be throwing a fit, he would come onto my bed and sleep there with me, as if we were both frightened for the events to come. There is nobody nor anything i could love like i loved that dog, and i will never forgive my mom for making us get rid of him. Though it wasnt her intention, when she was admitted to the hospital 3 years ago, there was nobody to take care of him when she went to rehab. So we gave him to the Gentle Giants shelter in Norco where i never saw him again. I kept my cool through all the previous bullshit but saying goodbye to that dog was the hardest thing i ever did. He was my friend, someone who had helped me through all the bad times and who had made me feel at home where ever i was. I am actually tearing up while i write this which is odd because i dont usually do this. Most people say that you experience the 5 stages of grief when losing a loved one, but all I have seen is the regret, the moments where you would give anything to have one more moment with them, just a hello. I stand by my opinion today in saying that i would give absolutely anything to have that dog back. Being Autistic as I am, i found refuge in the dog and it was what I saw as my friend for 9 damn years of my life. No love on this planet could compare to the bond we shared. I would do anything for him and he would do anything for me, and though this is hard to say in a relationship, i knew it to be true. I remember that, due to my fathers absence, nobody was able to walk him and so every time he saw the door open he would bolt in an attempt to get out. Occasionally he did and we would chase him far and wide, and one time my mom told us to let him go. I couldnt believe her and bolted after him. The do was obviously faster, i was only 10 give me a break, and he was out of my sight in no time. I was torn so i sat in some bushes i found in a secluded area. There i sat in tears for 10 minutes or so before i heard some rustling and wiped my eyes. Out of the brush came my big brown eyed Moses to comfort me. He wasnt running or barking, just walked to my and layed down by my side. This was the moment i knew that when we would seperate, i would be a broken man. And as much as I wished to be wrong, I wasnt. I still cannot find the courage to face that day even in dreams. I have tried to relive moments with him in dreams, but its just to hard. This isnt a plea for attention or anything, But if you happen to live in North Corona and adopted a full Black Great Dane from Gentle Giants named Moses. Please contact me and let me know he is Ok. I know believing he is still out there is childish and a waste of time, but hope is all i have left. Its all any of us have left, after the world has taken everything else from us. To be honest if he is dead and you once had him, just letting me know where he is buried would be much appreciated. I loved him more that I loved myself and I told him I would fix things for him before we parted ways and it haunts me day and night knowing I never followed through.



                                     Thank you for reading
                                                         River Clark