Hey Internet,
So. I have been in summer school for about 3 days now and im going to tell you guys about it. So on the first day I thought the teacher was a reaaaalll bitch and thought my summer would be total hell for 6 weeks. 2nd day she started to tell us more about herself, She was saying that her mother and father are both dead. Her first husband of 19 years, dead. Now married to a disabled veteran. 3rd day, someone brought up the question "Why do you teach?" So she began to explain. She told us that the only reason she had started teaching is because its a steady job with health benefits. She was explaining that without the benefits of a teaching job she would have otherwised perished. Now she has 4 degrees and 3 credentials. She is qualified to teach English, Science and Theoretical Physics. She couldnt find a job anywhere that would supply her with the needs to survive so she had no choice to pick teaching at Jr. High, to me that is just so bad to imagine. This is a women who has everything taken from her, Someone who has no reason to keep going. To this day she still wonders why her life had to take the course it did. Never have i felt pity on someone else. I always figured that i had it really bad and that no one could come close to knowing the feeling of losing everything. This is a women who had felt it. She has no family left. No mother no father. She somehow wakes up everyday and finds a reason to keep living.
I have never met someone who can find the will to keep going. It just puts me in awe, makes me wonder how bad my mindset really is. Do i complain about my life to much? I mean here is a woman who has lost absolutley everything, like i have, and she still doesnt complain. Or maybe she does, maybe she feels the way i do about things. Just maybe we think alike, What if she has a blog that she complains about as i do? What if deep down she wonders why she keeps going. Maybe she is afraid of death just as much as i am. There is a possibility she could be like me. If someone was to ask me to explain my life in one word, i have always thought that word would be "Alone". Even though i dont talk to this teacher at all, i feel not so alone with my issues, Just knowing that someone else out there feels the same way somehow comforts me. I dont know why this happens to people or why we all think alike, but my message to You is: If you relate to the feelings i explain and can see things from my point of view... You're not alone. There are more like us, and we know the pain.
I again apologize for my depressed tone, its just that this is what i made the blog for. I figured writing to an audience would help me cope with all this, Instead of just supressing it like i do. I still feel like i dont need any help, but some would say otherwise. If anyone has a suggestion for me to feel better about things, or advice on how to do better in things. Please leave a comment.
-River
Friday, June 22, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
So,
First things first. My life suck, Lol. I have a condition where i cannot handle the heat. To much exposure and i can pass out and die. I dont complain so i dont tell people this so they dont think i am just some pussy who wants shade. I have summer school which would be no problem. If it wasnt P.E.... So i have to skate there. Work out for 4 hours, then skate back. Im not sure how many days i can take before i collapse. The worst part is i have to find out. I have to see how much i can take. I am fucking 15 i shouldnt know my limits. But i do. and i know that this wont last long. I give myself about 4 days tops before i break down and go to the hospital. At that point i might have to give up, On everything. Anyways.
So i am not like a dream person who thinks they always mean something. But i know they have an impact on ones psychological life. When i have dreams that happen without my control i tend to "Freak Out". I have complete control of my dreams and everything that happens within them. So when i dont control things. I believe i am trying to tell myself something. This dream wasnt as serious but it does weigh heavily on my choices. I had the first Sexual dream about my girlfriend. It was weird. I was having a typical day until suddenly my attention shifted to my phone. She had sent several pictures where she was wearing a flannel shirt that was un-buttoned completely, revealing her Bra. Of course i liked what i saw but i liked it so much that i forcefully took over the dream in order to see more. All that it showed me was that i could not control my sexual mind. Which makes me think that given the circumstances i may not be able to control it in real life. I dont know. It might be nothing.. I hope.
Today i started to notice how absolutley hopeless my life is right now. But i stay strong. On the outside i am the rock that doesnt move. I went to a tournament on saturday and i didnt compete. They didnt allow spectators so i tried to look like i was just walking around. They saw me wave to my brother and kicked me out. So i sat outside from 12 am to 8 pm doing pretty much nothing but thinking of everything. It makes me terrible hopeless when i think about my past and future. I think we all get a little scared of the future. Its so inevitable that it sends chills down my body. When i actually think that at some point, i have to cease living and die? It makes me shiver. I think of all the things i love so much. And all i can think of is that it all has to end at one point. Happiness is just so hard to find.
Its fathers day today. My dad is sad because of it. My foster mom yelled at me for not speaking to him. And my sister for not being with him. But he was with his other daughter so she wasnt able to even go. So my sister felt left out and got yelled at. It just feels bad man. If i seem very pessimistic and hopeless its because this is were i come to do that. I come to this site to empty all my issues. No one in the real world can listen to me. You dear internet fans hold my burden of memory. I read a book called The Giver where a man was appointed to handle all memories and records of the outside world. 1 man to hold all the pain, all the war... He then picks a kid to carry on. But i feel like at this point. I am that man and I must carry all the pain. But what the bad part is, is that i cant pass it on. There is no one that can take this all away from me. At times i feel care free. Like when im with my Girlfriend, the worries just slip away. They dont leave for long though. Once my phone rings, as soon as the first tone is heard... I immediately snap back from the euphoria and begin to feel the pains and the worry.
Please dont give up on me guys. Everyone else has. At one point i was thinking to myself, and i realized that once my mom died... I had really lost everything. There was nothing that was preserved from my childhood joy. Nothing was left. All went in ashes with my mother. I lost everything, i have nothing but memories of my childhood. It is fading away too. I think deep down, we all wish that we could go back... We all have that thing where we wish we could go back in time and change it. Deep down we are all afraid of the future and i think that inside everyone, is a sliver of true beauty. No matter how much hate and how much anger is portrayed. We always have a little good inside of us. Im watching a couple that has been married for 14 years and both said they hated every minute of it, im watching them dance together to a song on the radio, both in their pajamas. Im not going to lie it makes me feel a little better... As if a bit of hope has been restored. All in all i deeply belve in the human race and think it can prosper given the right circumstances.
So goodnight my internets, Oh and for those who visit it, 4chan has given up on itself and has decided to "Die" in a way. This dissapoints me deeply. Well GoodNight. Thank you guys for listening. And again if any part of what i say is unclear please ask me about it and i will clarify to my best ability.
-My Real name is River.
First things first. My life suck, Lol. I have a condition where i cannot handle the heat. To much exposure and i can pass out and die. I dont complain so i dont tell people this so they dont think i am just some pussy who wants shade. I have summer school which would be no problem. If it wasnt P.E.... So i have to skate there. Work out for 4 hours, then skate back. Im not sure how many days i can take before i collapse. The worst part is i have to find out. I have to see how much i can take. I am fucking 15 i shouldnt know my limits. But i do. and i know that this wont last long. I give myself about 4 days tops before i break down and go to the hospital. At that point i might have to give up, On everything. Anyways.
So i am not like a dream person who thinks they always mean something. But i know they have an impact on ones psychological life. When i have dreams that happen without my control i tend to "Freak Out". I have complete control of my dreams and everything that happens within them. So when i dont control things. I believe i am trying to tell myself something. This dream wasnt as serious but it does weigh heavily on my choices. I had the first Sexual dream about my girlfriend. It was weird. I was having a typical day until suddenly my attention shifted to my phone. She had sent several pictures where she was wearing a flannel shirt that was un-buttoned completely, revealing her Bra. Of course i liked what i saw but i liked it so much that i forcefully took over the dream in order to see more. All that it showed me was that i could not control my sexual mind. Which makes me think that given the circumstances i may not be able to control it in real life. I dont know. It might be nothing.. I hope.
Today i started to notice how absolutley hopeless my life is right now. But i stay strong. On the outside i am the rock that doesnt move. I went to a tournament on saturday and i didnt compete. They didnt allow spectators so i tried to look like i was just walking around. They saw me wave to my brother and kicked me out. So i sat outside from 12 am to 8 pm doing pretty much nothing but thinking of everything. It makes me terrible hopeless when i think about my past and future. I think we all get a little scared of the future. Its so inevitable that it sends chills down my body. When i actually think that at some point, i have to cease living and die? It makes me shiver. I think of all the things i love so much. And all i can think of is that it all has to end at one point. Happiness is just so hard to find.
Its fathers day today. My dad is sad because of it. My foster mom yelled at me for not speaking to him. And my sister for not being with him. But he was with his other daughter so she wasnt able to even go. So my sister felt left out and got yelled at. It just feels bad man. If i seem very pessimistic and hopeless its because this is were i come to do that. I come to this site to empty all my issues. No one in the real world can listen to me. You dear internet fans hold my burden of memory. I read a book called The Giver where a man was appointed to handle all memories and records of the outside world. 1 man to hold all the pain, all the war... He then picks a kid to carry on. But i feel like at this point. I am that man and I must carry all the pain. But what the bad part is, is that i cant pass it on. There is no one that can take this all away from me. At times i feel care free. Like when im with my Girlfriend, the worries just slip away. They dont leave for long though. Once my phone rings, as soon as the first tone is heard... I immediately snap back from the euphoria and begin to feel the pains and the worry.
Please dont give up on me guys. Everyone else has. At one point i was thinking to myself, and i realized that once my mom died... I had really lost everything. There was nothing that was preserved from my childhood joy. Nothing was left. All went in ashes with my mother. I lost everything, i have nothing but memories of my childhood. It is fading away too. I think deep down, we all wish that we could go back... We all have that thing where we wish we could go back in time and change it. Deep down we are all afraid of the future and i think that inside everyone, is a sliver of true beauty. No matter how much hate and how much anger is portrayed. We always have a little good inside of us. Im watching a couple that has been married for 14 years and both said they hated every minute of it, im watching them dance together to a song on the radio, both in their pajamas. Im not going to lie it makes me feel a little better... As if a bit of hope has been restored. All in all i deeply belve in the human race and think it can prosper given the right circumstances.
So goodnight my internets, Oh and for those who visit it, 4chan has given up on itself and has decided to "Die" in a way. This dissapoints me deeply. Well GoodNight. Thank you guys for listening. And again if any part of what i say is unclear please ask me about it and i will clarify to my best ability.
-My Real name is River.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
2 in 1 day!? I think so!
Hello
Hello
So recently i tried to repay a debt i owe to my school. I damaged a book and needed to pay about 75$ for it.(I dont talk to my dad outside of text messages) So i asked my dad to help pay for it, he said he could pay it. So i had my sister pick up the money. He gave me a 100$Bill and asked to give the change to my sister. I agreed. My school doesnt except bills over 20$ so i needed the bill changed. I told my sister that idk where to go to do that. She asked my foster mom who then got on my case about why i asked him for the money. She told me its wrong to ask him for money because i dont talk to him. I know you guys dont know that story but he doesnt deserve my love/company. She had said something like "You treat everyone else nice except him, thats wrong" so i replied "If you put it like that, then i can say that he treated everyone else nice except his children" (He was in and out of my life, beat my mom and sister on several occasions etc) I think i outsmarted her so she got mad and stormed out of the room. Then told me not to pay the book and she would go "Talk to the school". So far i looked at several points.
- So one thought was that she felt bad that i didnt ask her for the money. I thought she wouldnt give it to me since i am fault at the damage.
- Second i thought she didnt believe that i had told my dad it was a book
- Third i thought she didnt believe i owed money and was just getting money out of him
Deep down i am screaming somewhere. I just need a trustworthy person to let me know that everything gets better at one point. I dont have that person, the last person that was like that to me was a 30 yr old gay man on the internet who my social worker called the cops on for talking to me. I still talk to him from time to time but its just not the same, i know he doesnt trust me. I had a group of really close friends on a game called Wizard101. It compiled of Alex, Esmee, Michelle, and sometimes Chris. These have been the closest people i have ever known. Michelle is pregnant and not playing anymore, I was suspended from the internet for over a year, Alex found a man and started fading away. Esmee still plays and i recently tried to get back into it but i lacked intrest because you have to pay for the rest of the game and i cant. She hasnt been on in over a month and no emails/txt messages from her. I have honestly lost everything guys. I slowly lost every aspect of my life until my mom passed away. At that moment i had realized i lost it all. I knew that there was no going back and that i was doomed to live this hell for the duration of my teenage years.
I thought maybe i could get out when i turn 21 and can move out of this place but as i get closer and closer to learning what it takes to live on your own, i start to notice that i think it is honestly impossible for me to do this alone. I figured it takes about 2 full time working people to hold up a simple apartment, or even the most basic of houses. That would mean (considering i can actually keep my girlfriend with my for my life) that me and my girlfriend must both work full time decent paying jobs just to live. That fucking ridiculous. I do want to know how my brother does it. He lives with his grandma and goes to college. He has so much money to just spend on anything, even if he was going to pay for all of his expenses he would still have pocket money.
I dont know if its just going to take awhile for me to start acting like a regular kid and stop worrying, or if i missed that part of childhood. I personally think i did, I think i missed the carefree age. During about age 4 to, well 15 i have been either worrying about where to get money to eat, how to get to school, learning to keep myself clean, etc. Or i was to busy taking care of my family. I did have a few months here and there, when my dad would be there to support us, but that also meant money for alcohol. So my mom would drink and whine about her troubles while i tried to calm my sobbing sister. So now that i finally dont have that happening, i have to worry about what to do to live. Im supposed to be able to come home and just do what ever i want without a worry of the future. Instead all i can do is sit there and worry/plan what to do to pass highschool, when i finally had my plan set i got started on thinking after. luckily i am allowed to stay in care till 21. Then i have to find something to support me. I just wish i could go back, its just unfair. Everyone has the memory of those summer parties and those days of just hanging out with their families. I have some memories like that but not nearly enough. I only remember 1 happy time of each holiday. Thats fucking pathetic
Well i guess im done for now. Sorry to bother you. Hope you have a good night!
Hello,
Havent written in awhile. School is almost out. Im not sure what to do. I still need to attend 2 summer school programs. and i will probably get switched to continuation school next year. Every day i tell myself. If i could start again, a million miles away... I would keep myself and i would find a way. I honestly would give up everything i have just to relive my life with the knowledge i have now. So this blo is going to be short, or i might expand it later.
Noticed i had 10 pageviews. Please talk to me guys, its hard to keep doing this when no one talks back. Its like my life. I just talk into space and hope for reply, when in reality i get nothing. I do so much for everyone and all i get is crap. If you believe in God and all that then i think he is angry with me. I think he is mad that i found out the legitimacy of his actions. I dont really. Has anyone ever had those moments when you just think, Where did i go wrong? I was all set up for success but now i dont think i have a future. Death scares me and i cant think of anything else. I wish i wasnt this smart, People say ignorance is bliss and at this point i think it is. Given the chance to know what truth really is would you do it? Or would you be afraid of what you would see. I didnt get a choice, i was born this way and at some moments its great, whereas other moments i wish for nothing but relief from the truth, I just want to be happy. Dont we all? I would give my whole life in its entirety just for a virtual reality where i can live in happiness. So dear readers, i guess i am done with this for now. Though the feeling is not mutual, i love you guys/girls.
-Rated[R]
Havent written in awhile. School is almost out. Im not sure what to do. I still need to attend 2 summer school programs. and i will probably get switched to continuation school next year. Every day i tell myself. If i could start again, a million miles away... I would keep myself and i would find a way. I honestly would give up everything i have just to relive my life with the knowledge i have now. So this blo is going to be short, or i might expand it later.
Noticed i had 10 pageviews. Please talk to me guys, its hard to keep doing this when no one talks back. Its like my life. I just talk into space and hope for reply, when in reality i get nothing. I do so much for everyone and all i get is crap. If you believe in God and all that then i think he is angry with me. I think he is mad that i found out the legitimacy of his actions. I dont really. Has anyone ever had those moments when you just think, Where did i go wrong? I was all set up for success but now i dont think i have a future. Death scares me and i cant think of anything else. I wish i wasnt this smart, People say ignorance is bliss and at this point i think it is. Given the chance to know what truth really is would you do it? Or would you be afraid of what you would see. I didnt get a choice, i was born this way and at some moments its great, whereas other moments i wish for nothing but relief from the truth, I just want to be happy. Dont we all? I would give my whole life in its entirety just for a virtual reality where i can live in happiness. So dear readers, i guess i am done with this for now. Though the feeling is not mutual, i love you guys/girls.
-Rated[R]
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