2 in 1 day!? I think so!
    Hello

So recently i tried to repay a debt i owe to my school. I damaged a book and needed to pay about 75$ for it.(I dont talk to my dad outside of text messages) So i asked my dad to help pay for it, he said he could pay it. So i had my sister pick up the money. He gave me a 100$Bill and asked to give the change to my sister. I agreed. My school doesnt except bills over 20$ so i needed the bill changed. I told my sister that idk where to go to do that. She asked my foster mom who then got on my case about why i asked him for the money. She told me its wrong to ask him for money because i dont talk to him. I know you guys dont know that story but he doesnt deserve my love/company. She had said something like "You treat everyone else nice except him, thats wrong" so i replied "If you put it like that, then i can say that he treated everyone else nice except his children" (He was in and out of my life, beat my mom and sister on several occasions etc) I think i outsmarted her so she got mad and stormed out of the room. Then told me not to pay the book and she would go "Talk to the school". So far i looked at several points.

• So one thought was that she felt bad that i didnt ask her for the money. I thought she wouldnt give it to me since i am fault at the damage.
• Second i thought she didnt believe that i had told my dad it was a book
• Third i thought she didnt believe i owed money and was just getting money out of him

                 So that happened and now i am not sure what to do. Every fucking turn something has to go wrong. Its just like, Why cant i have a good life? Why is it me that has to deal with all the crap. I havent been happy (Aside from being with my girlfriend) in almost 8 or 9 years now. I always have shit to deal with. Its starting to get to me. This foster family thing isnt helping. Even strictly recreational activities are fucking up for me. I cant get a break anywhere. And when i decide to put my foot down and give myself a break, oh boy do i get a shitstorm. Today i decided that since my sister was out with my dad i would play her Xbox and what not. I felt i needed to just start doing what i want instead of what others do. She got home and threatened to kill my pet fish because of it. Like seriously what the fuck did i do to deserve this. I just wish to much. I should give up and i should go downhill but i dont. I have every reason to cry and be emotional. But i dont, or is it because i cant. 

                     Deep down i am screaming somewhere. I just need a trustworthy person to let me know that everything gets better at one point. I dont have that person, the last person that was like that to me was a 30 yr old gay man on the internet who my social worker called the cops on for talking to me. I still talk to him from time to time but its just not the same, i know he doesnt trust me. I had a group of really close friends on a game called Wizard101. It compiled of Alex, Esmee, Michelle, and sometimes Chris. These have been the closest people i have ever known. Michelle is pregnant and not playing anymore, I was suspended from the internet for over a year, Alex found a man and started fading away. Esmee still plays and i recently tried to get back into it but i lacked intrest because you have to pay for the rest of the game and i cant. She hasnt been on in over a month and no emails/txt messages from her. I have honestly lost everything guys. I slowly lost every aspect of my life until my mom passed away. At that moment i had realized i lost it all. I knew that there was no going back and that i was doomed to live this hell for the duration of my teenage years.

                        I thought maybe i could get out when i turn 21 and can move out of this place but as i get closer and closer to learning what it takes to live on your own, i start to notice that i think it is honestly impossible for me to do this alone. I figured it takes about 2 full time working people to hold up a simple apartment, or even the most basic of houses. That would mean (considering i can actually keep my girlfriend with my for my life) that me and my girlfriend must both work full time decent paying jobs just to live. That fucking ridiculous. I do want to know how my brother does it. He lives with his grandma and goes to college. He has so much money to just spend on anything, even if he was going to pay for all of his expenses he would still have pocket money. 

                      I dont know if its just going to take awhile for me to start acting like a regular kid and stop worrying, or if i missed that part of childhood. I personally think i did, I think i missed the carefree age. During about age 4 to, well 15 i have been either worrying about where to get money to eat, how to get to school, learning to keep myself clean, etc. Or i was to busy taking care of my family. I did have a few months here and there, when my dad would be there to support us, but that also meant money for alcohol. So my mom would drink and whine about her troubles while i tried to calm my sobbing sister. So now that i finally dont have that happening, i have to worry about what to do to live. Im supposed to be able to come home and just do what ever i want without a worry of the future. Instead all i can do is sit there and worry/plan what to do to pass highschool, when i finally had my plan set i got started on thinking after. luckily i am allowed to stay in care till 21. Then i have to find something to support me. I just wish i could go back, its just unfair. Everyone has the memory of those summer parties and those days of just hanging out with their families. I have some memories like that but not nearly enough. I only remember 1 happy time of each holiday. Thats fucking pathetic

                Well i guess im done for now. Sorry to bother you. Hope you have a good night!