So,
First things first. My life suck, Lol. I have a condition where i cannot handle the heat. To much exposure and i can pass out and die. I dont complain so i dont tell people this so they dont think i am just some pussy who wants shade. I have summer school which would be no problem. If it wasnt P.E.... So i have to skate there. Work out for 4 hours, then skate back. Im not sure how many days i can take before i collapse. The worst part is i have to find out. I have to see how much i can take. I am fucking 15 i shouldnt know my limits. But i do. and i know that this wont last long. I give myself about 4 days tops before i break down and go to the hospital. At that point i might have to give up, On everything. Anyways.
           So i am not like a dream person who thinks they always mean something. But i know they have an impact on ones psychological life. When i have dreams that happen without my control i tend to "Freak Out". I have complete control of my dreams and everything that happens within them. So when i dont control things. I believe i am trying to tell myself something. This dream wasnt as serious but it does weigh heavily on my choices. I had the first Sexual dream about my girlfriend. It was weird. I was having a typical day until suddenly my attention shifted to my phone. She had sent several pictures where she was wearing a flannel shirt that was un-buttoned completely, revealing her Bra. Of course i liked what i saw but i liked it so much that i forcefully took over the dream in order to see more. All that it showed me was that i could not control my sexual mind. Which makes me think that given the circumstances i may not be able to control it in real life. I dont know. It might be nothing.. I hope.


      Today i started to notice how absolutley hopeless my life is right now. But i stay strong. On the outside i am the rock that doesnt move. I went to a tournament on saturday and i didnt compete. They didnt allow spectators so i tried to look like i was just walking around. They saw me wave to my brother and kicked me out. So i sat outside from 12 am to 8 pm doing pretty much nothing but thinking of everything. It makes me terrible hopeless when i think about my past and future. I think we all get a little scared of the future. Its so inevitable that it sends chills down my body. When i actually think that at some point, i have to cease living and die? It makes me shiver. I think of all the things i love so much. And all i can think of is that it all has to end at one point. Happiness is just so hard to find.

          Its fathers day today. My dad is sad because of it. My foster mom yelled at me for not speaking to him. And my sister for not being with him. But he was with his other daughter so she wasnt able to even go. So my sister felt left out and got yelled at. It just feels bad man. If i seem very pessimistic and hopeless its because this is were i come to do that. I come to this site to empty all my issues. No one in the  real world can listen to me. You dear internet fans hold my burden of memory. I read a book called The Giver where a man was appointed to handle all memories and records of the outside world. 1 man to hold all the pain, all the war... He then picks a kid to carry on. But i feel like at this point. I am that man and I must carry all the pain. But what the bad part is, is that i cant pass it on. There is no one that can take this all away from me. At times i feel care free. Like when im with my Girlfriend, the worries just slip away. They dont leave for long though. Once my phone rings, as soon as the first tone is heard... I immediately snap back from the euphoria and begin to feel the pains and the worry.

            Please dont give up on me guys. Everyone else has. At one point i was thinking to myself, and i realized that once my mom died... I had really lost everything. There was nothing that was preserved from my childhood joy. Nothing was left. All went in ashes with my mother. I lost everything, i have nothing but memories of my childhood. It is fading away too. I think deep down, we all wish that we could go back... We all have that thing where we wish we could go back in time and change it. Deep down we are all afraid of the future and i think that inside everyone, is a sliver of true beauty. No matter how much hate and how much anger is portrayed. We always have a little good inside of us. Im watching a couple that has been married for 14 years and both said they hated every minute of it, im watching them dance together to a song on the radio, both in their pajamas. Im not going to lie it makes me feel a little better... As if a bit of hope has been restored. All in all i deeply belve in the human race and think it can prosper given the right circumstances.
                  So goodnight my internets, Oh and for those who visit it, 4chan has given up on itself and has decided to "Die" in a way. This dissapoints me deeply. Well GoodNight. Thank you guys for listening. And again if any part of what i say is unclear please ask me about it and i will clarify to my best ability.
                                 -My Real name is River.