Hello,
So I am broken as hell right now. Since about age 12 I havent been interested in girls, nor have I looked at men that way. It wasnt until meeting my girlfriend that I felt attracted. I have deduced that I simply am not attracted to anyone, Just my girlfriend. So i never have that problem of looking at other women. Yesterday i was at the beach with her and we were in a pizza place. On the Television was a commercial starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. She explained that she thought he was really cute. I have no idea why, but I was enraged. I read about the feeling and some sites called it Jealousy. I ruled that out, being the logical thinker i am, knowing that he is famous and there is no chance of him interfering nor stopping her from loving me. Even knowing this i am still quite flustered. I figured that due to the fact she has absolutely all of my love and attention and that i still don't have hers just breaks me down. I mean this girl quite literally is the only reason I am alive today. I really have no reason to continue living without looking forward to a life with her. 


     It also pisses me off knowing that I am angry because my girlfriend is normal. People like me, kids with Autism, have a near unlimited capacity for love and devotion. I mean that we can completely devote ourselves to something with no interest in other things. For most children with Autism this devotion would be pulled to an Object of Interest. For those who have grown, it is people or career subjects. Let me paint a picture of my devotion. My thumb was broken at P.E. Summer school by my own recklessness. Due to my inability to bring forth my needs and such, I didnt visit the hospital. Even though my thumb is incapacitated, I still went to the beach with her. I have this thing where i take pictures of my girlfriend when she isnt looking. She "doesnt like this" and so she will attempt to take my ipod from me. This usually escalates into a wrestling match that usually ends up with me victorious. So this happened a few times which  destroyed my thumb and after another Xray (I own the equipment for this) i noticed that the bones have misplaced even more. I never once told her to stop or to calm down because i know it would upset her very slightly. But even that would make me feel terrible. 


    So if you have read this blog before you know that my life is kind of shitty, Honestly if I didnt have her or someone like her, I wouldnt be trying to live on. I would just waste away because i do not have a goal nor a will to live. The day she decides our relationship has run its course haunts me. I live life day to day trying as hard as i can not to think about the future. And right now i have no idea what to do. Please someone help.


                                                     -River